a warped view

There's some pretty special things about me. I have depression, anxiety and ADHD. This gives me some pretty special super powers. It gives me the ability to speak without thinking, to over share when I shouldn't, to get carried away with things rather than staying level headed and in control. It makes me think things are a good idea when they aren't. It gives me an extra special ability to piss people off. It allows me to feel especially shit when I fuck up and leaves me feeling like I want to crawl into a dark hole and stay there. Can you tell I'm having a special kind of day?

Growing up in Darwin we always had very laid back routines. In my early years my mum, dad, nanna and grandad worked in a family business and so there were long days spent at work with dinner time often being after 7 or 8pm. This kind of laid back attitude to dinner time continued through my childhood and into my teenage years. This meant that I would regularly get to bed quite a lot later than other kids. It was a shock to us when we moved to Perth in my 16th year and discovered that the weirdo southerners would sometimes eat dinner at 5:30 or 6. Ridiculous! I don't know if it's because of this laid back start to life but I have never really had a time that was my bedtime, even as an adult. I have a time that I know should probably be my bedtime but it comes and goes with little notice most nights. I'm also what is generally classified as a night owl, the later at night, the more productive I feel. I can often be found on my computer until 2 or 3am. Sometimes this is b...

Growing up I was a victim of the Hollywood / Disney disease. I was indoctrinated to believe that girls were delicate princesses that needed to be rescued by handsome, dashing, sword wielding princes (or sometimes not princes, but still heroic, good looking men). Even intelligent, capable, courageous woman would ultimately still need rescuing at some point. Of course this rescuing would lead to true love, romance and happily ever after, which is, of course, every woman's dream come true. Also part of the indoctrination. Generations of girls, brainwashed to believe that our lives should be engineered around finding that one man, that Prince Charming to rescue us from our dreary lives (cause let's be honest, not many of us are being held captive by dragons). Despite knowing how silly the whole thing is, how unrealistic and misogynistic, the heart still secretly hopes for that happily ever after. However in recent years my view of that happily ever after has changed. After bei...

Quite often, when trying to explain my depression to people I use the phrase "my depression voice" or the "irrational voice" to describe the constant critic that lives in my head. Occasionally I wonder if people are going to take that to mean that I hear voices Beautiful Mind style or that I might start conducting a fight club with myself or talking to a giant rabbit. I can promise you that none of those thing are true, or are going to come true... well I might start talking to Frank but it's unlikely. However the truth is that I do deal with a constant voice in my head. The depression voice is always there, sometimes whispering quietly, sometimes screaming at me until I break. The depression voice is that arsehole that is constantly telling me that I'm not capable, that I'm worthless, that people don't like me. It's the voice that stops me from leaving my house, its the voice that looks in the mirror and tells me how ugly and unlovable I am...

Have you ever been at a party and heard someone refer to cake as a guilty pleasure? It's usually said by someone who is trying desperately to justify their consumption of sugary goodness to others and, more importantly, themselves. It's also usually said with a nervous giggle and a hope that maybe no one really noticed that I was having my second piece anyway. Of course it's not only said about cake, but about various things that people want to enjoy but feel, for some reason or another, they shouldn't be enjoying. I don't really understand it myself. If I feel like eating a piece of cake I'm going to eat a goddamn piece of cake and none of your judging or sly, disapproving glances and whispered remarks about my waist line are going to stop me. On a whole though the human race seems quite preoccupied with justifying ourselves to people who we usually don't even like. The phrase "guilty pleasure" is in itself a strange concept. If something prov...

So the dashing and debonair @londonjustin from the twitters (and also from over here ) has started a new initiative this year titled 52 Blogs. Which can be found over here and is described as "a simple blogging challenge to occupy your time". The challenges will, knowing Justin, be quite random in their theming so expect the unexpected. I've decided to participate because I'm hoping it will push me to blog at least once a week on a regular basis.  This year is going to be pretty full on for me and I think having a regular outlet / distraction for myself will be good. All 52 Blogs related posts will be tagged accordingly and there are plenty of other people participating if you're looking for something to read (they're listed on the 52 Blogs site).