a warped view

something you're proud of in the past few days So I've been putting off writing this post. Whenever I do one of these blogging things there is always something that puts a road block in my way. One post that brings everything to a screaming halt and destroys any mojo I may have had going. Right now I am struggling to think of anything I'm proud of. It's been a rough month and a half (ish) and my confidence has taken a pretty big hit (again). That ridiculous depression voice is in my ear telling me that all of the worthlessness is me. That I have little, if anything, of value to offer. This isn't helped by losing my contract for work (long, boring story). More proof that I am shit. SHUT UP DEPRESSION VOICE! However I now have a tiny glimmer of awesomeness that I am clinging to. My inflatable life saver of light. I have been offered the opportunity to work on a film next year. Not only that, but I will be working with some of the newest additions to my list o

My two cents

Dear S I know that you don't know what to say to me right now, but I need you to know that you don't have to say anything. Well nothing about that anyway. I miss you a lot though, and I want to talk to you about silly things, unimportant things, our lives, our kids. I don't want you to think that because you haven't spoken to me that there is some sort of unbridgeable gap between us now, there's not, I completely understand. I know that my stuff might have brought up some painful things for you, and for that I am sorry, it was never my intention. I just want you to know that I love you and I miss you... And if you don't talk to me soon I'm going to start stalking you! Much love T xx

Dear Universe We've got a pretty sweet deal going on you and I. I place my faith in you and you generally have faith in me. Sometimes it feels like maybe your faith in me has wavered but its usually just that I don't get what you're trying to show or tell me. All in all we're pretty tight. Now you know I've struggled with this whole direction, purpose, place in life thing. We've been through a whole lot of shit together, and you've seen me grow stronger from it. So now I'm asking you, please, please, please can I have this? Can this be my path? Can this be my place in the world? This or the other thing, or maybe both. You know I've been in love with this my whole life, I'm pretty sure I'd be good at it, I just need that foot in the door and I'm pretty sure I can take it from there. I also know that some people would think I was stretching the friendship a bit at the moment but, if you think I am, can I have a small warning before yo

short term goals for this month and why Oops. I fell a bit behind with my revisiting of the 30 Day Challenge! I've had a bit going on (if you don't know what, read some of the other blog posts). So I figured I'd better get back on track and here we are. I have decided to re-do my short term goals because of the little hiccup I had. So here is Day Eight Take 2 get back to being myself figure out a plan for my medication finish the 30 Day Challenge do some creative writing everyday Pretty simple really but at the same time, oh so very hard.

I have spent my whole life being one of those really irritating people that always wants to be right. I've gotten less annoying as I've gotten older, occasionally keeping my desire to be right locked up inside, but its still there, even when I hide it and attempt to "let things go", I still want to be right. Except this time. This time I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to be so very wrong. I wanted to state my case and have it proven totally and completely wrong. But the one time I want to be wrong, it looks like I'm going to end up being right. I would swap all of the right in the world to be wrong this one time. But it seems I'm out of luck. So I'll lay here, trying to keep my heart from becoming irreparabley broken (too late), collecting an ocean's worth of tears on my pillow, wishing to undo everything that's been done, wishing to go back to the start and begin again.

So apparently I am one of a very small percentage of ADHD adults who experiences a worsening of depression symptoms when taking Dexamphetamines.  To start with I didn't notice, but as I continued to take my daily doses my depression symptoms have gotten worse and worse. The situation reached critical mass on Sunday night. My thoughts and behaviour got beyond my control and I had a complete meltdown. The rest of the week has been nothing short of difficult. There has been tears at the drop of the hat, an inability to regulate my emotions (more than usual), and a highly emotional state in general. The smallest things have sent me spiralling out of control. The hsp says its the worst he has ever seen me. It has left me feeling afraid and ashamed. My logical brain knows that there is no reason to feel this way but my logical brain is not exactly the loudest at the moment.  Luckily I had an appointment with my ADHD doctor today and I informed him what was going on. He wa

i am fighting the urge to run. i have nothing to run from. i have more than most people ever have. i have a good life. but i want to run. i want to run and i want to fade away into the nothingness that i feel i am made of. i want to disappear so no one will ever feel bothered by me again. i want this pain to stop. i want more pain. i want there to be so much pain that i collapse under the weight of it. i want there to be no pain because i am so tired of the pain. i want answers. i want to know why i feel this way when i shouldn't. i want to know where you go when you feel like there is nowhere for you any more. there are no safe places. there is nothing.

Dear Norms, I'm writing you this letter because there's a few things we need to get straight. For a start, you might be wondering who these Norms are and if you're one of them. Norms are people who haven't had an atypical brain function diagnosis (i.e. depression, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar, PTSD, cognitive issues, etc etc). They're a bit like muggles, if people with mental health issues were wizards. I've addressed this letter to all of you because you might be guilty of some of the things I'm going to talk about without even realising it. So here's a list of things you need to know/understand 1. Just because my illness(es) don't produce physical symptoms you can see (like bruises, broken bones, hair falling out etc) that doesn't mean my illness isn't real. I can one hundred percent guarantee you that while it is classified as a mental illness there are physical symptoms that I deal with every day and this is on top of the emotional and psyc

So I generally try to avoid as much news and news media as possible. Especially when it comes to America because it makes me fearful for the future of the planet. I have been doing my absolute best to avoid anything containing the words Mitt or Romney as just the sound of his name makes me shudder and makes my uterus fear for its future rights. However today, thanks to the lovely Kacy, I was introduced to the little faux par Mittens (Romney's adorable nickname) made that has sparked a hilarious collection of memes. I thought I'd share my favourites here. For those of you who don't know the back story like I didn't, here it is: On October 16th, 2012, the second U.S. presidential debate took place at Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York. During the debate, an undecided voter by the name of Katherine Fenton asked both candidates about pay inequality for women, to which Romney replied with an anecdote about how he sought to form a gender-balanced cabinet during h

short term goals for this month and why the 2010 day eight can be found here I'm not particularly good at setting goals. I struggle with that whole SMART concept; Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Timely... sounds like hard work to me! I tend to be more of a dreamer and schemer than a goal setter (you're stunned I know). I suppose though that I do have a few short term goals, not that I would really call them that. So here is my list SHIT I NEED TO DO (aka Goals) Make sure I take my anti depressants and my dexamphetamines EVERY day Blog Attempt to read a book now that I have the new concentration drugs Try to get to bed at a reasonable time, at least most nights of the week See, talk to, and hug my friends more Tell (and show) my family every day that I love them I'm not sure about the Specific, Measurable and Timely parts, but I'm pretty sure I've got attainable and Relevant covered :)

a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you The 2010 day seven post can be found here This is a post that takes little thinking about. There is only one possible answer to what has the biggest impact on me, and that is my kids! How they are doing, if they are happy, what's going on in their lives, all impact on me, my mood, my day, my life. If I'm feeling sad, these three smiling faces can cheer me up and make me happy once again. They have an impact on every decision I make.  oh, and there's this guy too of course...

favorite super hero and why The 2010 Day Six can be found here growing up I was never really into superheroes. I read comics but it was mostly Archie comics with some occasional British comics that I can't remember the name of. My dad was right into the Phantom but I was never particularly interested, I did however love reading his Asterix books. I vaguely remember watching Superman movies when I was a kid, and have enjoyed the various incarnations of Superman that have appeared on TV.  I became slightly more interested in the world of marvel via some friends when I was in high school and as a "grown up" I've fallen in love with the new breed of superheroes that have graced the silver screen the last few years. I am a little sad at the predominantly male culture associated with the surge in superhero movies and TV shows etc. Don't get me wrong I'm as big a fan of the male superheroes as the next girl (hello Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth & Jeremy

a picture of somewhere you've been to This is such an ambiguous topic for today. I've been to so many place, I go to places all the time! I could share places I've been on holiday, places I go to eat, places we take the kids, the ballet, the theatre, my mums house! These are all somewheres that I've been. So I've decided to be tricky and treat this question metaphorically. I've decided that the picture of the somewhere I've been will be a picture of me at (or close to) my heaviest. At the start of the year I blogged about reaching my heaviest ever and how devastated I was by it. I've made a lot of changes this year, worked hard, lost weight, slacked off, put some back on, tried, given up, tried again, and as of today I'm almost back down to the lightest I've been since having kids (just 4 more kgs to go). So, here's somewhere I've been: You can't see a lot of me I know, but you can see all the extra weight in my face. I h

since i started considering the possibility that i may have adhd, and since receiving my diagnosis, i have been doing lots of reading about it. the diagnostic criteria is seen by some as a bit nonspecific and there is no blood test you can do to confirm for sure. in fact some people are still convinced that it's not even a thing. there are three different types of adhd; there is predominantly inattentive type, predominantly hyperactive/impulsive type and there is a combination of the two. the diagnostic criteria tend to come off as quite negative (things that are wrong with you) including things like,  does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes,  has trouble keeping attention on tasks,  has trouble organizing activities,  avoids, dislikes, or doesn't want to do things that take a lot of mental effort for a long period of time,  loses things needed for tasks and activities, i s easily distracted, i s forgetful in daily activities, talks excessively,

I love you like oil Coming down hard Need you so fast Need you so right away Like a road train I need you babe Let's burn it all away But I love you like water You give me order It's getting hotter Believe me when I say That like a spring rain I need you babe But nothing last forever after all I'll love you til the ocean takes us all This is the story of two lovers like twins They would do lovers things blame original sin Look into their eyes only for the meaning of the hour As if there only everything existed in their power, yet Lo and behold they drifted on a stream humming How does it go? Oh 'Life is but a dream' Well the steam became a river and the river start to tow They, they didn't notice at all I love you like oil Coming down hard Need you so fast Need you so right away Like a road train I need you babe But nothing last forever after all I'll love you til the ocean takes us all And on this black day the people shouted from the shore Screaming, '

Dear Captain Picard, This is another one of those unsent letters that isn't really an unsent letter because I know that you're going to read it. I'm hoping that you won't be too annoyed at me for writing this but I felt like I needed to. You've been the most amazing friend to me. You've allowed me to feel safe enough to be myself, you've given me a shoulder to cry on and you've listened to me when I've needed to talk. You've made me open up, made me trust, made me remember what it's like to not have to keep myself shielded all the time. In the past, life has taught me (and my depression has told me) that people can't be trusted, that eventually everyone will let me down, that eventually the real me will drive everyone away. It has left me with an almost impenetrable wall to keep me safe, it's left me afraid to let people in. You've seen beyond that and you've had the patience to find your way inside. You've been brav

a habit that you wish you didn’t have the 2010 Day Four post can be found here where to start?! I have quite a few bad habits that I wish I didn't have and I can think of a few that other people wish I didn't have as well! My worst two habits are biting my nails and eating when I'm bored. I had stopped biting my nails for a while but I always go back to it when I'm feeling particularly anxious. Apparently the new drugs for my ADHD will help me get the eating thing under control though so that'll be one less bad habit. My mum would probably consider my swearing a bad habit (despite the fact that I love it) and she probably would also like me to be slightly less argumentative. The HSP would have a pretty long list of bad habits/annoying things I do including forgetting the washing is in the washing machine (sometimes several times), singing loudly and out of tune, not paying attention to what we're watching and then asking lots of questions ab

a picture of you and your friends the 2010 day three blog post can be found here  however all the picture links from my old posts seem to be broken :( This is some pics of my most favourite people in the whole world These photos are from my birthday last month and sadly not all my favourite people could be there Me & Clint Justin & Me Karen & Me Me & Marie Me & Mill Sean & Me Me & Simon Me & Tina Tina F, Me, Jackie & my Mum Here's some pics of friends I either don't have pics of me with or don't have recent pics together Ben & Bec Erin & Me If I had a pic of Suzie I'd add that as well but sadly I don't! Must remedy that!

the meaning behind your blog name the 2010 Day Two post can be found here My blog is called a warped view because it is a collection of blog posts about how i see the world, my unique (and some might say unusual) way of viewing events, circumstances, people etc. I wear tif coloured glasses and they warp everything. My depression certainly changes the way i interact with the world and its inhabitants, as does my experience as a woman, a mother, daughter, wife and friend. i believe that each of us wears our own set of glasses that colour our world with the sum of our experiences, we're all a little warped really.

My first day on dexamphetamines! And yes I realise that $50 x 200 pills is $10,000 not $1000 but I have ADHD and my brain got distracted! I've also been informed that they don't sell for quite that much (thanks Glenn) :)

a recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself I'm revisting the 30 Day Challenge . My 2010 Day One post can be found here  (I haven't looked at what I wrote, so I wonder if any of my facts will be the same?!) Here's a pic of me with bluey purple hair and no makeup taken right now!  interesting facts: 1. I have always wanted to have brightly coloured far out hair but was too afraid to do it until this year  2. In high school I was so worried about being teased by my bullies that I was afraid to change my hair or get a haircut in case I got the "wrong" one and they teased me more 3. I spent years trying to convince my mum to let me have a fringe. I finally got one a few years ago and now hate my face without a fringe. 4. I am obsessed with bird, owl and tree motifs (not necessarily all three together) 5. I've just been diagnosed with ADHD and I couldn't be happier 6. my favourite TV show right now is The New Girl w

So I have spoken about my suspicions that I have ADHD both here and on twitter. I went and had my first appointment with the special ADHD doctor two weeks ago and because I was unable to find my school reports I had to go back for a second appointment with a letter from one of my parents talking about how they noticed ADHD symptoms in me when I was younger. Apparently the Health Department are quite strict about who they let doctors prescribe ADHD medication to (surprise surprise) and it is their requirement for there to be some evidence of childhood symptoms. My first port of call was my mum, surely she would be able to write a letter containing a list of things I had done as a child? This proved to be slightly more difficult as she expressed to me her belief that I didn't have problems concentrating at school. When I pointed out to her that every single one of my school reports contained something along the lines of "Tiffany talks too much", her reply was simply th

Just over two years ago I began this blog with the 30 Day Challenge. I was in a new place in my life and over the last two years I've grown a lot and become much more comfortable with who I am. I feel like I'm a different person again than I was two years ago... or maybe just more me than   was before. So I thought I'd do the 30 Day Challenge again, to see just how different my answers are now than they were in October 2010. Oh and I'm also hoping it will help me to get back into good blogging habits! Here's a reminder of what the challenge involves: What is The 30 Day Challenge? Here's how it works  - post every day for 30 days : day 1 - a recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself day  2 - the meaning behind your blog name day 3 - a picture of you and your friends day 4 - a habit that you wish you didn’t have day 5 - a picture of somewhere you've been to day 6 - favorite super hero and why day 7 - a picture of someone/so

one of my most favourite people in the world wrote a blog today about how she feels like she isn't doing anything significant with her life but more importantly, she feels like she doesn't have a best friend, a close friend. this made me so sad, and it made me stop and wonder about the subconscious messages that i am sending my friends. when i am feeling down or dark i hide myself away. i struggle to interact with the world, even with those closest to me. i refuse to talk on the phone and am struck down with anxiety every time it rings. my once safe haven, twitter, sometimes feels too big, too loud, too much so i even hide from that. this makes it hard for people to be friends with me i'm sure, its hard to be friends with someone who is absent a lot of the time. sometimes i feel that i must appear like a ghost in people's lives, they know i'm there but they can't see me. i don't mean to shut my friends out and a part of me thinks i am protecting them. ke

So last month I wrote the post " There's nothing wrong with you " about being told by well meaning people that I couldn't possibly have depression. That is one side of the depression coin, the people who don't believe you have it because you manage to smile sometimes. The other, much darker side of the coin, is the people who try to use your depression against you as a weapon. I have one of those people in my life. They may be in the peripherals of my life, but sadly they have enough impact for their archaic, biggoted and uneducated views to affect me. In fact this person even tried to use this very blog against me. Using my own words, my own outpouring of truth and emotions, my own confessions of difficulty as a way to hurt me. They tried to turn my truth, my confessions, my words into a sword and to cut me down with it. Taking advantage of my own moments of weakness, my own doubts, my own irrational fear of not being good enough, they attempted to kick me wh

I have always been fiercely protective of the people I love, sometimes to my own detriment, sometimes more than those people want me to be. I have never let my sex, my age, my role or my place in the world stop my for standing up for someone. This is particularly true of my mum. She is a strong, independent, smart, wonderful woman, my role model in most things. Growing up there was mostly just her and me. I say that but we had a very close relationship with my grandparents, my cousin lived with us for almost 10 years and my (half) sister from my dad's second marriage spent an inordinate amount of time with us, but in my mind and my heart, when I think of my childhood I think of the two of us together against the world. She raised me to be strong, to stand up for what is right and just, to treat all people equally, to be kind, compassionate and giving and that above all else, family comes first. She also taught me that friends can be our family as much as those we are bound to by

Twice in the last couple of weeks I've had well meaning people tell me that I shouldn't be taking anti depressants as there is nothing wrong with me. I mean everyone feels a bit sad sometimes right? That doesn't mean they have one of those mental illness things. Neither of these people meant to be offensive, I'm pretty sure that they both quite like me, they just don't understand and belong to a way of thinking that is full of stereotypes and misinformation. Neither of them has any experience dealing with mental illness, neither of them know what it's like to have a constant black cloud hanging over you. Sadly, they are not the only two people who think like this. Despite the struggles for greater awareness, understanding and acceptance, mental illness still has a very special stigma all of it's own. "Normal" people seem to believe that only specific personality types suffer from depression, that depressed people are lazy, that they want to b

First of let me say that I have no training other than my almost 14 years of being a parent. I do not hold any sort of qualification that makes me an "expert". Now we've got that out of the way, here's my tips. 1. Love your child(ren) - this one seems pretty straight forward and easy but sometimes it gets forgotten. There are many definitions of the word love (and obviously I'm not referring to sexual love here!) but for me this means to have affection, warmth, fondness towards your offspring, to like them, to be interested in them as a person. 2. Make sure your child(ren) know that they are loved - loving them is all well and good, but if they don't know in the core of their being that they are loved then it's kind of irrelevant. 3. Give yourself permission to make mistakes - this is one that I'm not very good at myself but that I consider to be very important. We are each of us only human and we are going to cock things up at one time or another in a

We're sitting in the cinema, waiting for Spiderman to start, and an ad gor the new Twilight movie comes on. The 10ish year old boy in front of us turns to his mum and says "I've seen one of those movies" to which his mum replies scoffingly "no. You haven't" "yes I have mum! The first one" he declares "when!?" says his mum, still not believing him "it was on foxtel and dad was watching it so I did too" The look on her face was a classic!

Yes yes, this one is late too! But this one is mostly just a plug for the movie The Caretaker (cause it's awesome)

I know Rev is already over but I didn't get a chance to post this from youtube on to the blog so I'm doing it now.

What you should be watching this weekend! Big thanks to Richard Sowada for letting me use his Mac to upload the video

In the vid I say I'm tweeting from the comfort of my own home, but I meant blogging!!

I totally forgot to post this to the blog yesterday! I've been a bit sleepy the last few nights!

So I'm adding something else new to my blog. It will be called 'In Conversation' and will be my collection, recollection and interpretation of conversations I have or overhear. I love people watching and am fascinated by the overly loud public conversations that strangers often have. I find myself tuning out of my own conversations desperate to hear every scrap of shared personal lives, opinions and thoughts from people I've never met, and will most likely never see again. I love nothing better than a public, loud and overly emotional disagreement between lovers. I also love the nonsensical conversations I occasionally have with one of my most favourite people in the world when one of us is feeling down. We are both owners of depression and each knows, with unspoken recognition, the darkness that haunts the other. So when we have those moments of blue and black we talk about everything but the darkness and both come away feeling the light shining a little brighter than

The films we saw today. I was a bit tired and forgetful so I didn't do my recommendations for Monday. There's actually only 5 sessions on Monday and I recommend each and everyone one of them! There's Last Days of the Arctic, Paul Williams, the Color Wheel, the first Crispin Glover Session and Love. If you want to see any of the movies we saw today they are on again on the following days; the Way of the Morris is on Friday at 5pm, Bad Brains is on next Sunday at 8:45pm and Whisperer in the Darkness is on Thursday at 5pm.

I'm having one of those nights that I sometimes have, where the sleep just won't come. They don't happen to often thankfully, and usually only when I've forgotten to take my tablets until late in the day. So I'm lying here staring at the darkness, thinking thoughts And remembering memories so I thought I'd blog. Dear AASP, I suppose this isn't really an unsent letter because I know you're going to read it, you asked for it in fact. I wasn't going to write it, because I like to be contrary and not do the things I've been asked to do. But as I lay here waiting for the sleep that is evading me I thought of all the things I wanted to say to you. There are so many things, especially for a mind that often dwells on the past, mulling over past mistakes, past indiscretions, the moments of my life I'm not proudest of. The dark voice never lets me forget those I've hurt. I'm sure I hurt you, how could it not have hurt? Yet in the last few days