i am fighting the urge to run. i have nothing to run from. i have more than most people ever have. i have a good life. but i want to run. i want to run and i want to fade away into the nothingness that i feel i am made of. i want to disappear so no one will ever feel bothered by me again. i want this pain to stop. i want more pain. i want there to be so much pain that i collapse under the weight of it. i want there to be no pain because i am so tired of the pain. i want answers. i want to know why i feel this way when i shouldn't. i want to know where you go when you feel like there is nowhere for you any more. there are no safe places. there is nothing.
Sometimes I meet people and I know instantly that they are awesome! They laugh at the same things I laugh at, they share similar views to me on things, they are clever, sassy and generally pretty neato (I'm mostly talking about other ladies here), and I think to myself, you're pretty fantastic and I would love to have you as my friend and do stuff with you and hang out and talk about life and love and stupid things we've done. Then comes the kicker. How, as a thirty something grown woman, do you ask another grown woman over for a play date or out for dinner, without seeming like a weirdo / lesbian / desperate / friendless / loser? It's much easier for kids to make new friends, they just say stuff like "I like He-Man and you like He-Man and I think that makes you totally the best and we should be best friends forever until we're like, old and wrinkly and our butts sag" then they piss themselves laughing and the friendship is cemented. But that just doesn...
Thinking of you Tif.
ReplyDeleteI have felt like that too many times. I wish I had answers. All I have is love... Love you. xx
ReplyDeleteDon't run. Talk to anyone. Talk to everyone. Talk to me.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you beautiful. Wishing I was there to help. Let me know if there is anything at all that I can do xoxoxox
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