I don't want to do this anymore

I am so over it right now. Everything feels hard. Everything feels shit. Everything makes me want to cry. I don't want to be a person any more. I don't want to be an anything any more. My children are smart. They get good grades, score well on NAPLAN, their teachers love them. Why then must they continue to do stupid things? I am so sick of a child running to tell me that so-and-so did such-and-such to me, I am sick of them hurting each other, I am sick of them destroying things, I am sick of them whinging, complaining, walking past rubbish on the floor, leaving shit everywhere, pretending they can't see the dog wee on the floor, having rooms that looking like the aftermath of a break and enter. I am sick of washing dishes, of sweeping floors, of the endless amounts of washing and folding and cleaning and tidying and cooking and planning and thinking. I am sick of feeling guilty for not being able to do those things that I should be doing, of feeling guilty that my husband has to work 12 hour days and come home to a wife who is completely incapable of performing the simplest tasks. I am sick of letting myself down. I am sick of losing my temper and then wanting to die. I am sick of feeling like a terrible mother. Sick of feeling like I should be doing a better job, doing more, being more. I am sick of starting things with good intentions and then not having the energy to follow through. I am sick of feeling sad and angry and depressed. I am sick of trying to explain to people that I just can't. I am sick of worrying that people don't make time to see me because they don't want to, because they don't like me, because they couldn't give a shit. I am sick of feeling anxious and sick every time someone wants to make time to see me. I am sick of feeling fat and ugly and worthless. I am sick of feeling like my husband deserves better, that I'm not good enough. I'm sick of worrying that he feels the same, that in the end I won't be worth the hassle. I am sick of upsetting my mum because I just don't seem to be able to make her understand, I am sick of letting her down by being this horrible, destructive person and not the daughter she wanted me to be. I am sick of the memories of all the things I have done wrong, the people I have hurt. I am sick of having to take a tablet everyday just so that I can get out of bed. I am sick of holding the tears constantly at bay. I am sick of writing depressing blog posts. I am sick of not being able to be completely honest on my own blog because my ex might read it and use it against me in court and take my children away. I am sick walking on eggshells. I am sick of everything being shit. I am sick of being.