I am so over it right now. Everything feels hard. Everything feels shit. Everything makes me want to cry. I don't want to be a person any more. I don't want to be an anything any more. My children are smart. They get good grades, score well on NAPLAN, their teachers love them. Why then must they continue to do stupid things? I am so sick of a child running to tell me that so-and-so did such-and-such to me, I am sick of them hurting each other, I am sick of them destroying things, I am sick of them whinging, complaining, walking past rubbish on the floor, leaving shit everywhere, pretending they can't see the dog wee on the floor, having rooms that looking like the aftermath of a break and enter. I am sick of washing dishes, of sweeping floors, of the endless amounts of washing and folding and cleaning and tidying and cooking and planning and thinking. I am sick of feeling guilty for not being able to do those things that I should be doing, of feeling guilty that my husband has to work 12 hour days and come home to a wife who is completely incapable of performing the simplest tasks. I am sick of letting myself down. I am sick of losing my temper and then wanting to die. I am sick of feeling like a terrible mother. Sick of feeling like I should be doing a better job, doing more, being more. I am sick of starting things with good intentions and then not having the energy to follow through. I am sick of feeling sad and angry and depressed. I am sick of trying to explain to people that I just can't. I am sick of worrying that people don't make time to see me because they don't want to, because they don't like me, because they couldn't give a shit. I am sick of feeling anxious and sick every time someone wants to make time to see me. I am sick of feeling fat and ugly and worthless. I am sick of feeling like my husband deserves better, that I'm not good enough. I'm sick of worrying that he feels the same, that in the end I won't be worth the hassle. I am sick of upsetting my mum because I just don't seem to be able to make her understand, I am sick of letting her down by being this horrible, destructive person and not the daughter she wanted me to be. I am sick of the memories of all the things I have done wrong, the people I have hurt. I am sick of having to take a tablet everyday just so that I can get out of bed. I am sick of holding the tears constantly at bay. I am sick of writing depressing blog posts. I am sick of not being able to be completely honest on my own blog because my ex might read it and use it against me in court and take my children away. I am sick walking on eggshells. I am sick of everything being shit. I am sick of being.
"Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?" "The same thing we do every night Pinky - try to take over the world!" Two things are clear to me , I love that cartoon and Brain never suffered from depression. You see it's much easier to try to take over the world if you don't have to use every ounce of motivation and determination in your body to get out of bed each morning. If Brain had suffered from depression it is likely he may have given up his plan after the first failure. For even the smallest hurdle can, to a depressive, seem like an insurmountable barrier. Now don't get me wrong, there are lots of depressed people who have achieved all sorts of amazing things. World domination while depressed is not completely impossible its just a hell of a lot harder. Before people start accusing me of being a whiner and making excuses I would first ask those people a) do you currently have or have you ever depression? and b) can you shut your stupid...
Hey dude, I know the cleaning is only a small part of what you're going through (although a clean house can do a whole bunch in helping you feel better), but my daughter is spending the day tomorrow with her grandparents so if you want to email me your address, I can come around and spend the day making your place spick and span. Let me know x janemurphy82@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteP.S. I have a new broom and mop too!
thank you Jane for your amazing generosity of spirit! i think i'm going to be ok, and i'm terrible at accepting help! i would however love to have a coffee one day, i think i need to get out of the house more
ReplyDeletexx
All love, Tiff! It's all I've got, but you can have it.
ReplyDeleteYesyes - I find I have to get out of the house at least once a day or I go bonkers. Coffee sounds good sometime!
ReplyDeleteAnd most of all, you're sick of having a keyboard without a return key!
ReplyDeleteHi Tif - I have just found your blog through Bec. I suffered with depression about 18 years ago and after taking medication and seeing a psychiatrist I managed to get better. My daughter was 17 when she was diagnosed with depression - she refused to admit it but we knew this is what she was going through. She went off her medication and then after I had battled for about 4 months with her and was at the end of my tether as to what I could do, she came to me and said that she thought it would be better if she went back onto her medication - what a relief !!!!!!She has been back on medication now for nearly a year and is doing so much better. I would love to follow you and if there is anything I can do (long distance) to help - I would love to be able to help.
ReplyDeleteTake care !
Thanks Me (that sounds weird). It can be a hard road sometimes, not just for those of us who have depression but for the people who love us, but without all of you we couldn't do it. IT is the people around us that inspire us to keep going. Thank you for your lovely words, the more the merrier I say! x
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