Friday, 6 January 2012

Confessions of a Fat Girl

I have been concerned about my weight and appearance ever since I was 12. I was teased in primary school for being fat and called names like porky. Here is a picture from my Year 7 Graduation to illustrate how fat and disgusting I was

I say fat and disgusting because I truly believed when I was 12 that I was some hideously fat monster that no boy would ever want to kiss, no boy would ever want to go out with, no boy would ever love.

It makes me so sad looking at this photo to know that I was so slim, so pretty, my life should have been full of wonder and possibility. Instead I began my journey down the long dark road that has led me to the depths of depression and an obsession with my weight (but thankfully never an eating disorder) and today it has led me to make this confession...

I am currently the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. I have eaten myself to the weight I never wanted to be. I am the exact thing I was teased for being. Along with the fact that I don't want to look at myself in the mirror I also have sore bones, aching parts, I wake up tired, I feel crap and then I eat more.

This week I made the decision to give up my one serious addiction, coca-cola. I have been consuming an extreme amount for a little over two years now. Sometimes up to 2 litres a day. I know this has had a massive impact on my weight, being a major contributor to my gain. Not the only cause of course, the chips, biscuits, chocolates, Chicken Treat, McDonald's and pizza probably haven't helped either.

The worst part for me is that I am a relatively smart person, I know what I should and shouldn't eat. I know how to eat and cook healthy meals, I know I shouldn't eat an entire packet of cheese twisties. Yet I do these things any way and up until now I haven't felt any motivation to change. Sure I hate being the size I am, sure I can't fit into any of my beautiful dresses, sure I hate the sight of myself naked, but I haven't had any real drive to change. I have made mumblings and murmurs about wanting to change but nothing has stuck.

This week I weighed myself. I was unsurprised and horrified by the numbers I saw. I have always had an imaginary line in my head that I never wanted to cross. When I looked down and saw the numbers that meant I was now standing on the other side of that line I knew it was time to stop stuffing around and make some changes.

I am not brave enough to tell you what the number was, that is a shame I am not willing to inflict upon myself. Probably because of the pain and torment I endured in my tweens and teens. Stuff it. I'll tell you. It's only a number and a number I intend on changing. If my beautiful friend Erin can do it then so can I. The line I never wanted to cross was 100kgs and when I weighed myself on Tuesday I weighed in at 100.5kg. Even as I type this I want to erase it. I am thinking about not posting this post so know one will ever know my shame. But if I don't share the lows with you how can I share the highs. I WILL NOT remain this weight for any longer.

This is it. I will change my life. This is not who I want to be or how I want to be defined.

I will no longer make myself a victim.


4 comments:

Craig said...

Go Tif, make the change. You can do it.

We are here to cheer you on.

Me said...

Oh Tif - I so hear what you are saying. I didn't have a number in my head but when I hit 95.5kgs I said enough is enough (having been 98kgs when I went in to have my baby - I was only 2.5kgs off that and I wasn't pregnant !!!) It has been a long slow process - one that I have won and lost many times. If I had a $ for every kg I have lost and regained - I would make it to Canada without any trouble !

Last year I hit about 85kgs and that was it - I am now back on track after a lovely Christmas and New Year - let's do this together !

Funny how when you look back at photos and realise how much of our self esteem is based in our heads and not in the reality of how things actually are - I can remember thinking that I was fat when I weighed about 60kgs (probably because I only weighed 45kgs when we got married) - now I would give my eye teeth to weigth 60 kgs and I know that there is no way that anyone would even consider me to be fat - but at the time ........

Have a great day - love, hugs and positive energy !
Me

Craig said...

My weight story.

I was always a bit of a heavier kid, played sports but always concentrated on school work more than going out and playing.

During uni I got to my heaviest ever of 130kg (too much crap food and little exercise). I joined a gym and lost 30kg in 9 months by doing purely weight training. Then came chemo where I dropped to an unhealthy feeling (and looking) ~90kg. After chemo I rediscovered food and got back up to 110kg within 2 years. And with kids and work I stayed around there. But over the past year I have made a conscious effort to tidy up my eating and get out more and have lost 7kg. My aim is to get to a healthy 90kg by my tenth wedding anniversary in Jan 2013.

tif said...

Thanks Me! Its amazing the hell we put ourselves through. Good luck on your journey!

Thanks for sharing Craig :) It's good to have a timeframe to aim for. Happy to give you some encouragement if you ever need it :) x

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