Skip to main content

Confessions of a Fat Girl

I have been concerned about my weight and appearance ever since I was 12. I was teased in primary school for being fat and called names like porky. Here is a picture from my Year 7 Graduation to illustrate how fat and disgusting I was

I say fat and disgusting because I truly believed when I was 12 that I was some hideously fat monster that no boy would ever want to kiss, no boy would ever want to go out with, no boy would ever love.

It makes me so sad looking at this photo to know that I was so slim, so pretty, my life should have been full of wonder and possibility. Instead I began my journey down the long dark road that has led me to the depths of depression and an obsession with my weight (but thankfully never an eating disorder) and today it has led me to make this confession...

I am currently the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. I have eaten myself to the weight I never wanted to be. I am the exact thing I was teased for being. Along with the fact that I don't want to look at myself in the mirror I also have sore bones, aching parts, I wake up tired, I feel crap and then I eat more.

This week I made the decision to give up my one serious addiction, coca-cola. I have been consuming an extreme amount for a little over two years now. Sometimes up to 2 litres a day. I know this has had a massive impact on my weight, being a major contributor to my gain. Not the only cause of course, the chips, biscuits, chocolates, Chicken Treat, McDonald's and pizza probably haven't helped either.

The worst part for me is that I am a relatively smart person, I know what I should and shouldn't eat. I know how to eat and cook healthy meals, I know I shouldn't eat an entire packet of cheese twisties. Yet I do these things any way and up until now I haven't felt any motivation to change. Sure I hate being the size I am, sure I can't fit into any of my beautiful dresses, sure I hate the sight of myself naked, but I haven't had any real drive to change. I have made mumblings and murmurs about wanting to change but nothing has stuck.

This week I weighed myself. I was unsurprised and horrified by the numbers I saw. I have always had an imaginary line in my head that I never wanted to cross. When I looked down and saw the numbers that meant I was now standing on the other side of that line I knew it was time to stop stuffing around and make some changes.

I am not brave enough to tell you what the number was, that is a shame I am not willing to inflict upon myself. Probably because of the pain and torment I endured in my tweens and teens. Stuff it. I'll tell you. It's only a number and a number I intend on changing. If my beautiful friend Erin can do it then so can I. The line I never wanted to cross was 100kgs and when I weighed myself on Tuesday I weighed in at 100.5kg. Even as I type this I want to erase it. I am thinking about not posting this post so know one will ever know my shame. But if I don't share the lows with you how can I share the highs. I WILL NOT remain this weight for any longer.

This is it. I will change my life. This is not who I want to be or how I want to be defined.

I will no longer make myself a victim.


Labels:

Comments

  1. Craig6 January 2012 at 09:34

    Go Tif, make the change. You can do it.

    We are here to cheer you on.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Me6 January 2012 at 09:46

    Oh Tif - I so hear what you are saying. I didn't have a number in my head but when I hit 95.5kgs I said enough is enough (having been 98kgs when I went in to have my baby - I was only 2.5kgs off that and I wasn't pregnant !!!) It has been a long slow process - one that I have won and lost many times. If I had a $ for every kg I have lost and regained - I would make it to Canada without any trouble !

    Last year I hit about 85kgs and that was it - I am now back on track after a lovely Christmas and New Year - let's do this together !

    Funny how when you look back at photos and realise how much of our self esteem is based in our heads and not in the reality of how things actually are - I can remember thinking that I was fat when I weighed about 60kgs (probably because I only weighed 45kgs when we got married) - now I would give my eye teeth to weigth 60 kgs and I know that there is no way that anyone would even consider me to be fat - but at the time ........

    Have a great day - love, hugs and positive energy !
    Me

    ReplyDelete
  3. Craig6 January 2012 at 09:54

    My weight story.

    I was always a bit of a heavier kid, played sports but always concentrated on school work more than going out and playing.

    During uni I got to my heaviest ever of 130kg (too much crap food and little exercise). I joined a gym and lost 30kg in 9 months by doing purely weight training. Then came chemo where I dropped to an unhealthy feeling (and looking) ~90kg. After chemo I rediscovered food and got back up to 110kg within 2 years. And with kids and work I stayed around there. But over the past year I have made a conscious effort to tidy up my eating and get out more and have lost 7kg. My aim is to get to a healthy 90kg by my tenth wedding anniversary in Jan 2013.

    ReplyDelete
  4. tif6 January 2012 at 12:14

    Thanks Me! Its amazing the hell we put ourselves through. Good luck on your journey!

    Thanks for sharing Craig :) It's good to have a timeframe to aim for. Happy to give you some encouragement if you ever need it :) x

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Thanks for taking the time to comment!

Popular posts from this blog

Week One... Or Should I Say Week Two Thousand One Hundred and Seventy Nine...

 That's how many weeks I have been alive (give or take a couple of days). Two thousand one hundred and seventy-nine. Yet here I am still fighting the same fights I have always fought. Self-image, self-acceptance, unrelenting standards, imposter syndrome.  Once again I find myself in a body that feels uncomfortable and unhealthy. It crept up on me slowly and suddenly all at the same time. I still barely eat any refined sugar. I turn down the lollies and cakes and doughnuts at work. It's not even a struggle, I no longer enjoy the way sugar makes my body feel. But my old nemesis, potato chips, remains undefeated. I eat potato chips to fill the emptiness in my soul. To feel as miserable physically as I do mentally or emotionally. To get comfort from an association with my childhood. It is the struggle I can't overcome. The war I can't win. So after months of trying on my own to no avail, months of the scales not budging, I have signed up for a healthy eating plan. I'm n
2 comments
Read more

World Domination and the Darkness

"Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?" "The same thing we do every night Pinky -  try to take over the world!" Two things are clear to me , I love that cartoon and Brain never suffered from depression. You see it's much easier to try to take over the world if you don't have to use every ounce of motivation and determination in your body to get out of bed each morning. If Brain had suffered from depression it is likely he may have given up his plan after the first failure. For even the smallest hurdle can, to a depressive, seem like an insurmountable barrier. Now don't get me wrong, there are lots of depressed people who have achieved all sorts of amazing things. World domination while depressed is not completely impossible its just a hell of a lot harder. Before people start accusing me of being a whiner and making excuses I would first ask those people a) do you currently have or have you ever depression? and b) can you shut your stupid
7 comments
Read more

Unsent Letter: Dear Broken Little Girl

Dear Broken Little Girl You've got the world fooled. With your masks and your costumes. With the illusion you have created. I'm not fooled anymore, I see who you truly are. I see the little girl terrified of revealing any weakness or cracks. The little girl who uses people for what they can do for her and then casts them aside until she needs them once more. I used to look at you and think you were so much more than me, that I was so much less. Now I realise that you will never be as much as me. Not until you are willing to be wrong, to be imperfect, to be fragile and vulnerable and human. Anybody can do what you do, yet you doubt my ability. You think you are so grown up and in control, but you're not. Everything you stand against, you have been. Everything you fight for, you've never endured. You are an empty shadow trying to fill yourself up at the expense of others. You once told me that I should learn to put myself first and say no. Well I've learnt. I
Post a Comment
Read more