Unsent letters: Dear AASP

I'm having one of those nights that I sometimes have, where the sleep just won't come. They don't happen to often thankfully, and usually only when I've forgotten to take my tablets until late in the day. So I'm lying here staring at the darkness, thinking thoughts And remembering memories so I thought I'd blog.


Dear AASP,

I suppose this isn't really an unsent letter because I know you're going to read it, you asked for it in fact. I wasn't going to write it, because I like to be contrary and not do the things I've been asked to do. But as I lay here waiting for the sleep that is evading me I thought of all the things I wanted to say to you. There are so many things, especially for a mind that often dwells on the past, mulling over past mistakes, past indiscretions, the moments of my life I'm not proudest of. The dark voice never lets me forget those I've hurt.

I'm sure I hurt you, how could it not have hurt? Yet in the last few days I have discovered that you're still there, on the fringes of my life, waiting to be invited in. You held out your hand and offered me nothing but friendship, no wrath or fury, no anger or demands for explanations. A few cheeky digs here and there, gentle reminders that you haven't forgotten either, but I can live with that.

I have delighted in hearing that you are happy, that you've found love, that you've had adventures, that you are enjoying life, you deserve it. You are a wonderful man, the kind of man every mother wishes for her daughter. When I've thought of you over the years I've always imagined that you were happy, perhaps because I wanted it to be true, to ease my guilt.

And so my guilt, that box of darkness I carry with me, a box filled with sadness and regret, not for where we are in our lives now but that I hurt you then. You came into my life at a moment that I needed you, in the end the timing was terrible but at the time you gave me everything I needed. You made me feel wanted, desirable and beautiful. You gave me real friendship, conversation, companionship, kindness, love. You made me believe in myself again. I was never able to thank you for that and so I'm thanking you now. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for giving me all that you gave and thank you for letting me take what I took. Thank you for being you.

It has surprised me how easy the conversation has been, how easy it is to fall back in step, that you still get me and I you. I feel so very lucky that you're still there, willing to give the gift of your friendship all over again. I'm a different person now, or maybe not different, just more me. More comfortable with who I am, my place in the world. Though our friendship is different this time around I promise not to hurt you. I also promise to call you a nerd every time you tell me you've bought a new Transformers toy!

So I'm sorry, and I thank you, and while it's not the way you wanted me to all those years ago, I love you.

I hope this letter gives you some of what you wanted

Love, me xx


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