i hide too much

one of my most favourite people in the world wrote a blog today about how she feels like she isn't doing anything significant with her life but more importantly, she feels like she doesn't have a best friend, a close friend. this made me so sad, and it made me stop and wonder about the subconscious messages that i am sending my friends.

when i am feeling down or dark i hide myself away. i struggle to interact with the world, even with those closest to me. i refuse to talk on the phone and am struck down with anxiety every time it rings. my once safe haven, twitter, sometimes feels too big, too loud, too much so i even hide from that. this makes it hard for people to be friends with me i'm sure, its hard to be friends with someone who is absent a lot of the time. sometimes i feel that i must appear like a ghost in people's lives, they know i'm there but they can't see me.

i don't mean to shut my friends out and a part of me thinks i am protecting them. keeping them safe from the real me, the ugly me, the black, dark me. but i'm not protecting them at all, i'm giving in to my fear. it's time i stopped hiding. it's time i made myself present in my friend's lives. i miss them, i love them, they are amazing and they keep me sane and happy.

if you're my friend and you feel like i've been missing i apologise. i didn't mean to. i love you.