the uppers and the downside

So I have spoken about my suspicions that I have ADHD both here and on twitter. I went and had my first appointment with the special ADHD doctor two weeks ago and because I was unable to find my school reports I had to go back for a second appointment with a letter from one of my parents talking about how they noticed ADHD symptoms in me when I was younger.

Apparently the Health Department are quite strict about who they let doctors prescribe ADHD medication to (surprise surprise) and it is their requirement for there to be some evidence of childhood symptoms. My first port of call was my mum, surely she would be able to write a letter containing a list of things I had done as a child? This proved to be slightly more difficult as she expressed to me her belief that I didn't have problems concentrating at school. When I pointed out to her that every single one of my school reports contained something along the lines of "Tiffany talks too much", her reply was simply that I was a very social child.

So after hitting a bit of a brick wall there I rang my dad and explained to him what was going on. The first thing he said was "you've always had trouble focusing".  I think I may have sighed audibly with relief. After providing him with the details dad agreed to provide me with the needed letter.

Now this is the bit where we get to the downside. Dad sent me a well written, detailed letter to give to the doctor. The only problem was that upon reading it I was immediately stripped of all my self esteem and felt like the biggest failure at life ever. The letter served exactly the purpose it needed to, to illustrate why it is more than likely that I have ADHD and why I need ADHD medication. Bonus points for that dad. But to see all of your life's failings laid out in one letter is a less than pleasant experience. To see that you haven't ever really achieved anything because you've never been able to really complete a single task, to see that your parent believes you never reached your full potential, is hard.

It hit me right in the stomach and in doing so, pushed me into that black hole I am often standing on the edge of. It took me a while to realise what was going on, in fact, to be completely honest the realisation only just dawned on me now. I knew I had been in a bad place with my depression the last week but I only just put the pieces together while typing. As a depressive who has a constant battle against the negative voice, seeing my faults laid out was not a helpful experience and one I'd prefer not to repeat. Ever.

I took the letter along to my second appointment and the doctor told me that there is little doubt I suffer from ADHD and he has put me on a months trial of Dexamphetamines. In a couple of weeks I have to do a drug test to prove that I am actually taking them (they're worth about $50 a pop on the black market apparently!).

I took my first pill this morning and my second one at noon. I'm working up to two in the morning and two at lunchtime, and maybe one later in the afternoon if I need it. I'm not sure if I feel different yet. Only time will tell I guess. I certainly don't feel like I'm on speed so that's probably fairly good confirmation that I have ADHD as well. I look forward to seeing where this new journey takes me.