Sunday, 19 December 2010

How my brain works

Firstly let me say up front that I did not in any way write this blog post as a way of seeking validation. I never write with an expectation of response, i write only for the sole purpose of getting my thoughts out of my head and offering some support/understanding for others who suffer from similar mental health issues/self esteem problems

My whole life, due to bullying and never quite belonging or fitting in, I have established for myself the default position that I am not liked. When I meet people I automatically assume that they don't like me. I believe myself to be unlikable and know that because I doubt myself I can sometimes come across as snobby or stand offish. Despite my determination to not care what people think of me, I care desperately about how I am judged by others and presume that once I have been measured I will be found lacking.

Even if people seem to like me to begin with, I believe that once they get to know me they will realize their mistake and move on. I don't have any long term friendships. I am not friends with anyone I went to school with and I just don't have many friends in general. All of this makes it hard for me to meet new people, whats the point? They won't like me anyway.

I am really tired and feel like I have somehow managed to miss the point of this blog post. I really just need to get the words out. Maybe I'll have another go tomorrow when my eyelids aren't falling closed

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