Skip to main content

How my brain works

Firstly let me say up front that I did not in any way write this blog post as a way of seeking validation. I never write with an expectation of response, i write only for the sole purpose of getting my thoughts out of my head and offering some support/understanding for others who suffer from similar mental health issues/self esteem problems

My whole life, due to bullying and never quite belonging or fitting in, I have established for myself the default position that I am not liked. When I meet people I automatically assume that they don't like me. I believe myself to be unlikable and know that because I doubt myself I can sometimes come across as snobby or stand offish. Despite my determination to not care what people think of me, I care desperately about how I am judged by others and presume that once I have been measured I will be found lacking.

Even if people seem to like me to begin with, I believe that once they get to know me they will realize their mistake and move on. I don't have any long term friendships. I am not friends with anyone I went to school with and I just don't have many friends in general. All of this makes it hard for me to meet new people, whats the point? They won't like me anyway.

I am really tired and feel like I have somehow managed to miss the point of this blog post. I really just need to get the words out. Maybe I'll have another go tomorrow when my eyelids aren't falling closed

Comments

Post a Comment

Thanks for taking the time to comment!

Popular posts from this blog

Week One... Or Should I Say Week Two Thousand One Hundred and Seventy Nine...

 That's how many weeks I have been alive (give or take a couple of days). Two thousand one hundred and seventy-nine. Yet here I am still fighting the same fights I have always fought. Self-image, self-acceptance, unrelenting standards, imposter syndrome.  Once again I find myself in a body that feels uncomfortable and unhealthy. It crept up on me slowly and suddenly all at the same time. I still barely eat any refined sugar. I turn down the lollies and cakes and doughnuts at work. It's not even a struggle, I no longer enjoy the way sugar makes my body feel. But my old nemesis, potato chips, remains undefeated. I eat potato chips to fill the emptiness in my soul. To feel as miserable physically as I do mentally or emotionally. To get comfort from an association with my childhood. It is the struggle I can't overcome. The war I can't win. So after months of trying on my own to no avail, months of the scales not budging, I have signed up for a healthy eating plan. I'm n
2 comments
Read more

World Domination and the Darkness

"Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?" "The same thing we do every night Pinky -  try to take over the world!" Two things are clear to me , I love that cartoon and Brain never suffered from depression. You see it's much easier to try to take over the world if you don't have to use every ounce of motivation and determination in your body to get out of bed each morning. If Brain had suffered from depression it is likely he may have given up his plan after the first failure. For even the smallest hurdle can, to a depressive, seem like an insurmountable barrier. Now don't get me wrong, there are lots of depressed people who have achieved all sorts of amazing things. World domination while depressed is not completely impossible its just a hell of a lot harder. Before people start accusing me of being a whiner and making excuses I would first ask those people a) do you currently have or have you ever depression? and b) can you shut your stupid
7 comments
Read more

Unsent Letter: Dear Broken Little Girl

Dear Broken Little Girl You've got the world fooled. With your masks and your costumes. With the illusion you have created. I'm not fooled anymore, I see who you truly are. I see the little girl terrified of revealing any weakness or cracks. The little girl who uses people for what they can do for her and then casts them aside until she needs them once more. I used to look at you and think you were so much more than me, that I was so much less. Now I realise that you will never be as much as me. Not until you are willing to be wrong, to be imperfect, to be fragile and vulnerable and human. Anybody can do what you do, yet you doubt my ability. You think you are so grown up and in control, but you're not. Everything you stand against, you have been. Everything you fight for, you've never endured. You are an empty shadow trying to fill yourself up at the expense of others. You once told me that I should learn to put myself first and say no. Well I've learnt. I
Post a Comment
Read more