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No words

I am home from visiting my cousin Carol at the hospital. I thought I would get home and the words would come flowing out of me and yet while I am typing these words each one I type feels hard. I want to say so much but there are no words.

It was so much worse than I thought it would be. She is so much sicker than I realised. I haven't had a proper cry yet. I don't feel like I can while her sons sit stoically by her side, her husband sitting calmly with one hand on her leg. How can I cry when her sisters remain brave faced, her mum holding it together? How can I break down when she, despite her obvious pain, made the effort to lift her head, open her eyes and say hello to me?

I know there isn't long now before her pain is over and that is when I will cry. There are no words...

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