Waiting

I am sitting in the hospital waiting. I suppose I am waiting for the hand of death to touch my cousin and end the pain she is in. She is getting worse and she keeps suffocating. She told her sister yesterday that her worst fear was dying and not being able to breathe, I can only imagine how horrifying it must be for her. Everyone seems to be getting ready for the end. There is lots of spontaneous declarations of how much this sucks. We have just heard that she has said she doesn't want to do it any more. It can't be long now. What a thing to be waiting for. I feel so small and helpless and inadequate. I wish there's was something I could do. There is a group standing in the hallway. Like they are lining up for some kind of attraction at the fair. I wish they would all sit down. There are periods of idle chatter and then suddenly everyone feels quietly like the weight is too much to bear. It is one of the most horrible experiences I have ever had. As the sun is going down the room is getting darker but no one has thought to turn the lights on. We are all caught up in our own heads, thinking of the conversations we will never have with Carol, remembering the times we laughed with her, remembering what it was like to hug her before she was this sickly skeleton of a person struggling to take a breath. I have to write, it is my way of processing or I would sit here going crazy. I want there to be a document of her struggle, of how brave she was. She was an amazing woman, mother, wife, friend, sister, aunty and cousin. She and George have raised two wonderful boys. She is someone who deserves to be remembered. No one is making idle chatter any more. The effort is just too much. The end seems far too close and far too unfair. One of my younger cousins is crying quietly to herself. I still haven't let myself cry, I still don't feel I have a right. Not while in the room next door I can hear the beeping of the machines and the soft murmur of their voices as the huddle around her, holding each other and being strong. And so I sit here waiting, waiting for the end...