I am sitting in the hospital waiting. I suppose I am waiting for the hand of death to touch my cousin and end the pain she is in. She is getting worse and she keeps suffocating. She told her sister yesterday that her worst fear was dying and not being able to breathe, I can only imagine how horrifying it must be for her. Everyone seems to be getting ready for the end. There is lots of spontaneous declarations of how much this sucks. We have just heard that she has said she doesn't want to do it any more. It can't be long now. What a thing to be waiting for. I feel so small and helpless and inadequate. I wish there's was something I could do. There is a group standing in the hallway. Like they are lining up for some kind of attraction at the fair. I wish they would all sit down. There are periods of idle chatter and then suddenly everyone feels quietly like the weight is too much to bear. It is one of the most horrible experiences I have ever had. As the sun is going down the room is getting darker but no one has thought to turn the lights on. We are all caught up in our own heads, thinking of the conversations we will never have with Carol, remembering the times we laughed with her, remembering what it was like to hug her before she was this sickly skeleton of a person struggling to take a breath. I have to write, it is my way of processing or I would sit here going crazy. I want there to be a document of her struggle, of how brave she was. She was an amazing woman, mother, wife, friend, sister, aunty and cousin. She and George have raised two wonderful boys. She is someone who deserves to be remembered. No one is making idle chatter any more. The effort is just too much. The end seems far too close and far too unfair. One of my younger cousins is crying quietly to herself. I still haven't let myself cry, I still don't feel I have a right. Not while in the room next door I can hear the beeping of the machines and the soft murmur of their voices as the huddle around her, holding each other and being strong. And so I sit here waiting, waiting for the end...
"Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?" "The same thing we do every night Pinky - try to take over the world!" Two things are clear to me , I love that cartoon and Brain never suffered from depression. You see it's much easier to try to take over the world if you don't have to use every ounce of motivation and determination in your body to get out of bed each morning. If Brain had suffered from depression it is likely he may have given up his plan after the first failure. For even the smallest hurdle can, to a depressive, seem like an insurmountable barrier. Now don't get me wrong, there are lots of depressed people who have achieved all sorts of amazing things. World domination while depressed is not completely impossible its just a hell of a lot harder. Before people start accusing me of being a whiner and making excuses I would first ask those people a) do you currently have or have you ever depression? and b) can you shut your stupid...
My thoughts are with you and your family. Just knowing you are all there, thinking loving thoughts will help her to let go with the dignity she deserves.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day nothing anyone says is going to make the next moments, days or weeks easier. loosing someone so special really sucks.
I wish I could give you a huge hug and make the pain go away. Instead I will send a small prayer your way full of love and strength to all of you. I send an extra prayer to your cousin for strength to let go and for a loved one on the other side to help guide her through to her next phase of her journey.
♥
Thanks, is it truly appreciated x x
ReplyDelete