Thursday, 14 July 2011

Leaving my house for my love of film

Up until today I've been doing a fantastic job of shutting the world out, I haven't really been seeing people, or even talking to them on the phone. I've hardly been on twitter and I only use Facebook to play those ridiculous games we all hate. There's been no reason for me to hide, nothing happened. Nothing other than the familiar self doubt I've known all my life. The self doubt that tells me that people don't like me, they just talk to me because it's polite. The self doubt that assures me I don't actually have any friends, just people who put up with me. The self doubt that tells me I'm not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, good enough. The self doubt that tells me I will never ever belong, I will never be part of something, never be someone people choose to spend time with.

Tonight however I won't be able to hide. Tonight is the opening party for the Revelations Film Festival. Tonight I will be in a room full of movers and shakers, full of hipsters and it boys and girls. People who are cool without trying, people everyone wants to be around. I will spend all afternoon feeling anxious, wondering how to look the least fat and ugly I can. I will contemplate not going, feigning illness, being captured by UFO. I will probably make myself late on purpose so I don't have to stand around feeling awkward and out of place, like I don't belong. I will feel sick to my stomach knowing that everyone can see I am a fraud, an imposter and I shouldn't be there. I will be terrified of people talking to me and then mortified when they don't. I will do my best to hide away quietly hoping that maybe no one will see me.

Then tomorrow I will do it all again. I will put on my brave face for the next 10 days and I will leave my house purely driven by my love of film. It's going to be hard but I know it will b worth it.


Jane said...

Oh dude, it's like you crawled into my head and wrote this as me! Except, of course, I'm not going out tonight etc etc, but the self doubt thing? Heck yes! I'm all over that. It's terrible, isn't it? I hate the feeling and I know I'm probably being silly, but I often have that feeling. More so now, because I want people to think I'm a good mum - even strangers in the shopping centre!Anyhoo, I just basically wanted to say I understand the feelings you have. Totally. Try to enjoy the evening - it sounds like fun!

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