It has been a fact all my life; I write more when I am depressed or sad or angry than I do when I am happy. Why is that? Is it because when I am depressed the words in my head are so much louder and bigger and they march back and forth across my fragile mind, stomping in the truth that really I am worthless? Is it because the loud, large, harsh, sharp edged words are easier to believe? Is it because happy is boring and depressed is much more dramatic and exciting, with images of maidens throwing themselves from cliffs because of their broken hearts and unrequited love?
Whatever the reason today is one of those days and today I am blogging. I wasn't in a terribly bad mood when I woke up this morning but then I allowed myself to be drawn into an argument with someone who thinks it's fun to upset people. While I fully support everyone's right to have an opinion I believe that respecting and allowing the opinions of others goes hand in hand with having a loud and proud opinion of your own. The whole interaction left me feeling bewildered, annoyed (mostly at myself) and emotional. Which led me to write an email I probably shouldn't have written. I know its hard to believe for those who have encountered me on twitter mid rant, but I more often than not hold my true feelings inside. I am a bundle of raw, in your face, go fuck yourself emotion that I spend a lot of time controlling. I'm surprised I have any tongue left at all. For all that I say, shout, proclaim, defend, there is 100 times more that goes unsaid. Oh how I wish I'd managed to control myself this time. Sure my email had some valid points, and I got someone to read it before I sent it to make sure I wasn't being nasty or over the top, but I have also caused a rift that may never be able to be fixed.
So now I am in a terrible mood. I am in the sort of mood where my internal monologue is nothing but me berating myself, telling myself how stupid I am, all those things that are great for the ego. Is it time for bed yet? Maybe tomorrow will be a better day....
Oh and before I forget... R U Ok?
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3 comments:
I have a theory that you're just predisposed to depression on Thursdays. Just look at the history of your blog. Sure there's a couple oddballs but there's a compelling case of depressed posts on Thursdays.
It's almost like that Cure song, except it'd be about Thursday and sadness instead of love. Hell, Thursday was already pegged as average in that song.
It's Friday now, & i'm depressed that i didn't see this post until a day later. But i was ok yesterday, thanks for asking.
That's very insightful of you anonymous! Maybe I shall sleep through Thursdays from now on, I'm obviously allergic.
I'm glad you're ok. If you're not you can always email me or find me on the twitters! :)
Oh i know, but i'm old school.
Eliciting a response has cured my depression!
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