Ever since I was little I have wanted to be the kind of person who writes in a journal every day. I constantly buy lovely journals with the intention of writing in them, filling them with my thoughts and feelings, pouring my soul into them. I love to write, to express myself with words, to create something from nothing, it's probably why I also like to bake. The problem is that I can never maintain any kind of regular writing, whether it be about myself and my life or creative writing. It was the same when I started my blog. I thought to myself that I would write all the time, that it would be easier to blog than write with pen and paper but I have once again fallen into the pattern of not writing regularly.
I often wonder if my inability to maintain schedules, complete things, do things regularly, is part of my depression. I find it hard now to know what is because of my depression and what is due to flaws in my character. I have chronic depression, the chronic part means that I have had it for a long time. My depression went untreated until I was in my late 20s after several false starts in my late teens and early 20s. My depression is not something that can be cured, its like being an alcoholic. I will always have depression although the severity changes, and I hope that one day I won't need medication to get me through the day. So my depression is a part of who I am and makes it hard to know what is a symptom and what is a personality trait.
I struggle every day to tell myself to do the things I need to do - paperwork for our business, food shopping, making dinner, cleaning the house, every day things. I constantly question whether my lack of motivation is because of my depression or because I am inherently lazy. I have worked hard a lot in my life, I've had jobs where I have worked 60+ hours a week, gone in on my day off, worked 14 hour days because there was no one else to do it, I have been in family business, I have been a mum since I was 18. All of these things tell me that I'm not lazy, but the dark voice of depression tells me that these things are all because I'm a bad person.
So today I have decided that I will commit myself to blogging more regularly and I want you all to kick my butt or offer me words of encouragement if it's been too long. I can prove to myself that I'm not lazy, I will do it with baby steps, setting myself small goals and not being too hard on myself when I fall down.
I can do this.
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3 comments:
I think sometimes things just get in the way and, while we have good intentions, they just don't happen.
I try to blog regularly because I am using my blog to keep me accountablt for my weight / food and exercise. If I didn't have that, I am not sure if I would have enough to talk about on a blog daily.
I have also bought the journals to have a gratitude journal next to my bed - that lasted a couple of days and then I was too tired and then I forgot and then I just didn't do it anymore. I love writing with a nice pen on nice clean paper / journal but, like you, find that it is too slow compared to the pace at which I type.
I suffered from depression a few years before our daghter was born and then I had post natal depression for about 5-6 months. My daghter (19) was diagnosed with depression when she was in year 12 and she is currently on medication. I don't think that you are inherently lazy, I think that there are some things which we just keep putting off because we don't want to do them like cleaning, doing tax returns, paperwork - and if I am honest with myself, I am a procrastinator when it comes to doing things that I don't want to do - because there are always more fun things to do than cleaning, tax returns, BAS returns etc. Then, when the deadline looms so close that I am having heart palpitations, then I sit down and do what I need and invariably, it is never as bad as I thought it was going to be. Sometimes the dread and putting it off is worse than actually doing it !!!!
Good luck with blogging more regularly - how often do you want some encouragement if you haven't blogged because I don't want to make a nuisance of myself !!!!
Have a great afternoon !
Sorry - that should read 'accountable' ! Geez, my typing wasn't that flash above - should read 'daughter'
Lazy's seen as a bad thing since it's assumed the opposite is a good thing, like being motivated or energetic? But to me the opposite is over-exertion and that's a worse problem than lazyness. Being more lazy is the goal! But they're both extremes and neither are good. I would say you are at least motivated since lazy by definition means a lack of desire, but you express that in your post.
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