My middle child, master 10 (almost 11) is a beautiful boy. He is sensitive, polite, caring, intelligent, he cares about other people and how they feel, he notices things others wouldn't and he often compliments me that I look beautiful. He likes to read, he's good at maths, he enjoys cooking and he is a fantastic distance runner. He is, of course, not perfect and he and his sister (miss 13) are very good at stirring each other up! He knows just the buttons to push to send her into full princess bitch face mode.
He has the regular issues that 10 year old boys have. Sometimes he gets a bit silly, sometimes he doesn't listen, he doesn't really like doing chores and he has issues at school. My master 10 however is different from most other 10 year old boys. My master 10 was expelled from school when he was in grade 2, at the age of 7.
It is not something either of us is proud of. It is not a stigma I would choose to have attached to my child but it is the reality we must deal with. He has always had issues with his temper, what they call impulse control issues. He is a perfectionist who doesn't like to be in trouble, a combination which sees him get caught in a downward spiral of negative behaviour that he can't escape from. He has been known to throw books, chairs, desks. He once grabbed hold of the Deputy Principal's tie and wouldn't let go. That was at his old school and I found out later that the built like a brick shit house, over 6 foot tall Deputy Principal had been physically restraining him at the time. This doesn't excuse his behaviour but I can't really blame him. If someone 10 times my size had hold of me I'd probably grab whatever I could too.
When he first started having these issues (before he was expelled) we saw numerous professionals. We saw GPs, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Counsellors, all to no avail. I was given some strategies to help him try and manage his behaviour but as someone with a keen interest in psychology I had already been using most of them. His school was supportive when they thought he might have ADHD or Autism but as soon as they found out he didn't have anything diagnosable (i.e. that they could receive additional funding for) they withdrew their support and shortly after he was expelled.
With few options left we enrolled both the kids in the local Primary School. I spoke to the Principal, the Deputy, the school psych, teachers, they all assured me that they would help him, that no one would be abandoning us. The support we received from them was above and beyond anything we ever got from the private school we had been paying thousands of dollars to and I am so grateful for that. Master 10's behaviour did improve. He has extended periods of fantastic behaviour but he still has outbursts of uncontrollable anger.
Last week he had one of these outbursts and the day it happened his class had a relief teacher. The relief teacher just happened to be the newly appointed relief Deputy Principal. She knows master 10 well, has dealt with him before. She spent the whole afternoon with him after his melt down, despite (I'm sure) having other things to do. She called me in for an appointment to discuss the incident. She was pleasant, seemed to really care about master 10, I liked her. She suggested I have an appointment with the school psychologist, I of course, being at the end of my rope, agreed.
The next day I met with the school psych, a different one than we had originally seen. I related to her straight away, she was friendly and seemed compassionate and knowledgeable. We discussed master 10's history, I mentioned that my family has a history of depression, that I suffer from depression and anxiety. And that was it. The moment I realised, that she told me what I had never been willing to acknowledge on my own, that I had given my son this "gift". It all makes sense now, its obvious, staring me in the face. Master 10 has an anxiety disorder. Of all the things I wish to pass on to him, of all the traits I hoped for him to inherit, this is not one of them.
I felt awash with guilt as I sat there listening to the psych telling me that she would do a formal assessment, that I could use that assessment to get him a mental health plan, that he could get counselling, strategies to handle his anxiety. I listened as we discussed that anxiety can be a precursor to depression. I was swept back to the feelings of despair I'd had as a teenager, the days of school I'd missed, how I'd fallen behind in my studies, how I'd lost my way. These are not things I want for my beautiful son.
At least finally, we have a name to put to his un-normalness. A reason for the outbursts, the anger, the sadness. Finally I can do something about it, make his life better, make sure his story unfolds differently to mine. At least now I can get him the support he needs. Because in the end his happiness is all that matters to me.
He has the regular issues that 10 year old boys have. Sometimes he gets a bit silly, sometimes he doesn't listen, he doesn't really like doing chores and he has issues at school. My master 10 however is different from most other 10 year old boys. My master 10 was expelled from school when he was in grade 2, at the age of 7.
It is not something either of us is proud of. It is not a stigma I would choose to have attached to my child but it is the reality we must deal with. He has always had issues with his temper, what they call impulse control issues. He is a perfectionist who doesn't like to be in trouble, a combination which sees him get caught in a downward spiral of negative behaviour that he can't escape from. He has been known to throw books, chairs, desks. He once grabbed hold of the Deputy Principal's tie and wouldn't let go. That was at his old school and I found out later that the built like a brick shit house, over 6 foot tall Deputy Principal had been physically restraining him at the time. This doesn't excuse his behaviour but I can't really blame him. If someone 10 times my size had hold of me I'd probably grab whatever I could too.
When he first started having these issues (before he was expelled) we saw numerous professionals. We saw GPs, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Counsellors, all to no avail. I was given some strategies to help him try and manage his behaviour but as someone with a keen interest in psychology I had already been using most of them. His school was supportive when they thought he might have ADHD or Autism but as soon as they found out he didn't have anything diagnosable (i.e. that they could receive additional funding for) they withdrew their support and shortly after he was expelled.
With few options left we enrolled both the kids in the local Primary School. I spoke to the Principal, the Deputy, the school psych, teachers, they all assured me that they would help him, that no one would be abandoning us. The support we received from them was above and beyond anything we ever got from the private school we had been paying thousands of dollars to and I am so grateful for that. Master 10's behaviour did improve. He has extended periods of fantastic behaviour but he still has outbursts of uncontrollable anger.
Last week he had one of these outbursts and the day it happened his class had a relief teacher. The relief teacher just happened to be the newly appointed relief Deputy Principal. She knows master 10 well, has dealt with him before. She spent the whole afternoon with him after his melt down, despite (I'm sure) having other things to do. She called me in for an appointment to discuss the incident. She was pleasant, seemed to really care about master 10, I liked her. She suggested I have an appointment with the school psychologist, I of course, being at the end of my rope, agreed.
The next day I met with the school psych, a different one than we had originally seen. I related to her straight away, she was friendly and seemed compassionate and knowledgeable. We discussed master 10's history, I mentioned that my family has a history of depression, that I suffer from depression and anxiety. And that was it. The moment I realised, that she told me what I had never been willing to acknowledge on my own, that I had given my son this "gift". It all makes sense now, its obvious, staring me in the face. Master 10 has an anxiety disorder. Of all the things I wish to pass on to him, of all the traits I hoped for him to inherit, this is not one of them.
I felt awash with guilt as I sat there listening to the psych telling me that she would do a formal assessment, that I could use that assessment to get him a mental health plan, that he could get counselling, strategies to handle his anxiety. I listened as we discussed that anxiety can be a precursor to depression. I was swept back to the feelings of despair I'd had as a teenager, the days of school I'd missed, how I'd fallen behind in my studies, how I'd lost my way. These are not things I want for my beautiful son.
At least finally, we have a name to put to his un-normalness. A reason for the outbursts, the anger, the sadness. Finally I can do something about it, make his life better, make sure his story unfolds differently to mine. At least now I can get him the support he needs. Because in the end his happiness is all that matters to me.
It is so good to hear that you are getting support which is so helpful to you and to have this diagnosed so that you are able to deal with it before it gets any worse !
ReplyDeleteThinking of you all - love, hugs and positive energy.
Something tells me you're not entirely to blame, given children don't spontaneously birth!
ReplyDelete