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*sigh*

I have been having "one of those days" since Saturday. I have been taking my tablets so it's not that causing a low. We had a birthday party on Saturday for one of my favourite little girls in the whole world, the daughter of friends that I love like she was my niece. I almost didn't go to the party. I was sad, I felt like crying, I felt like getting into bed and pulling the covers over my head until the sad went away. Luckily the HSP was wonderful and convinced me to go, because I would have been disappointed in myself if I had missed it.

I made it through the party, I know that sounds terrible, like it was some huge chore (which it wasn't). Well it wouldn't have been for a "normal" person. It wasn't anything about the party that required a huge effort, it was me, my state of mind. The effort needed to put on the happy mask, the mask that hides the darkness inside. I don't hide my depression but I don't want it to be in every one's faces all the time either. The effort required to keep the mask in place makes me tired.

On Sunday I thought I felt better. I couldn't bring myself to leave the house and I still felt quite low but I didn't feel like crying every minute of the day. Monday I woke up with a terrible migraine and spent most of the day doing nothing and then today...

Today I had to take Miss 13 to an orientation session at her new high school. I put all my effort into getting out of bed, getting ready to leave the house, being interested, involved, motivated. Then I got home and hit the low again. Now I am sitting here trying to convince myself to go and see my friends tonight. I am supposed to be seeing some of my favourite people in the world tonight but that anxious feeling has settled itself on my chest. The thought of leaving the house makes me ill. It's not about where I'm going. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. It's just a horrible, illogical, irrational feeling that I CAN NOT go out.

Perhaps it's time to see a psychologist again...

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Comments

  1. Me30 November 2011 at 06:07

    Hey Tif - hope you feel better able to cope with everything soon.
    Take care !
    Love, hugs and positive energy !

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous12 December 2011 at 17:20

    I hadn't replied to this one cause i had that horrible, illogical, irrational feeling that i COULD NOT reply!

    But it's gone now, so i'm not gonna bother with the psychologist!

    ReplyDelete

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