Skip to main content

*sigh*

I have been having "one of those days" since Saturday. I have been taking my tablets so it's not that causing a low. We had a birthday party on Saturday for one of my favourite little girls in the whole world, the daughter of friends that I love like she was my niece. I almost didn't go to the party. I was sad, I felt like crying, I felt like getting into bed and pulling the covers over my head until the sad went away. Luckily the HSP was wonderful and convinced me to go, because I would have been disappointed in myself if I had missed it.

I made it through the party, I know that sounds terrible, like it was some huge chore (which it wasn't). Well it wouldn't have been for a "normal" person. It wasn't anything about the party that required a huge effort, it was me, my state of mind. The effort needed to put on the happy mask, the mask that hides the darkness inside. I don't hide my depression but I don't want it to be in every one's faces all the time either. The effort required to keep the mask in place makes me tired.

On Sunday I thought I felt better. I couldn't bring myself to leave the house and I still felt quite low but I didn't feel like crying every minute of the day. Monday I woke up with a terrible migraine and spent most of the day doing nothing and then today...

Today I had to take Miss 13 to an orientation session at her new high school. I put all my effort into getting out of bed, getting ready to leave the house, being interested, involved, motivated. Then I got home and hit the low again. Now I am sitting here trying to convince myself to go and see my friends tonight. I am supposed to be seeing some of my favourite people in the world tonight but that anxious feeling has settled itself on my chest. The thought of leaving the house makes me ill. It's not about where I'm going. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. It's just a horrible, illogical, irrational feeling that I CAN NOT go out.

Perhaps it's time to see a psychologist again...
Labels:

Comments

  1. Me30 November 2011 at 06:07

    Hey Tif - hope you feel better able to cope with everything soon.
    Take care !
    Love, hugs and positive energy !

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous12 December 2011 at 17:20

    I hadn't replied to this one cause i had that horrible, illogical, irrational feeling that i COULD NOT reply!

    But it's gone now, so i'm not gonna bother with the psychologist!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Thanks for taking the time to comment!

Popular posts from this blog

I don't want to do this anymore

I am so over it right now. Everything feels hard. Everything feels shit. Everything makes me want to cry. I don't want to be a person any more. I don't want to be an anything any more. My children are smart. They get good grades, score well on NAPLAN, their teachers love them. Why then must they continue to do stupid things? I am so sick of a child running to tell me that so-and-so did such-and-such to me, I am sick of them hurting each other, I am sick of them destroying things, I am sick of them whinging, complaining, walking past rubbish on the floor, leaving shit everywhere, pretending they can't see the dog wee on the floor, having rooms that looking like the aftermath of a break and enter. I am sick of washing dishes, of sweeping floors, of the endless amounts of washing and folding and cleaning and tidying and cooking and planning and thinking. I am sick of feeling guilty for not being able to do those things that I should be doing, of feeling guilty that my husband...
7 comments
Read more

Week One... Or Should I Say Week Two Thousand One Hundred and Seventy Nine...

 That's how many weeks I have been alive (give or take a couple of days). Two thousand one hundred and seventy-nine. Yet here I am still fighting the same fights I have always fought. Self-image, self-acceptance, unrelenting standards, imposter syndrome.  Once again I find myself in a body that feels uncomfortable and unhealthy. It crept up on me slowly and suddenly all at the same time. I still barely eat any refined sugar. I turn down the lollies and cakes and doughnuts at work. It's not even a struggle, I no longer enjoy the way sugar makes my body feel. But my old nemesis, potato chips, remains undefeated. I eat potato chips to fill the emptiness in my soul. To feel as miserable physically as I do mentally or emotionally. To get comfort from an association with my childhood. It is the struggle I can't overcome. The war I can't win. So after months of trying on my own to no avail, months of the scales not budging, I have signed up for a healthy eating plan. I'm n...
2 comments
Read more

now you're just somebody that i used to know

this song by gotye (good thing this is typed or i'd still be stumbling over the pronunciation... goat-ee-ay... gotcha...goat-yee...) is one of my favourites at the moment and is on constant rotation at my house and in my car. the song is about two ex lovers but has gotten me thinking about all those people that were once an intrinsic part of my life, helped me to define who i was and my place in the world and are now just some people that i used to know. we all have them. those people that we thought we would be friends with forever, that we talked to every day, hung out with all the time, people who knew all our in jokes because they helped create them, knew all the stories of our past. then suddenly you wake up one day and realise its been a month since you saw them, then its six months, then you can't remember the last time you saw them. you think about calling them but it feels awkward, then you tell yourself that they could call you if they wanted to. time passes and the...
7 comments
Read more