Skip to main content

*sigh*

I have been having "one of those days" since Saturday. I have been taking my tablets so it's not that causing a low. We had a birthday party on Saturday for one of my favourite little girls in the whole world, the daughter of friends that I love like she was my niece. I almost didn't go to the party. I was sad, I felt like crying, I felt like getting into bed and pulling the covers over my head until the sad went away. Luckily the HSP was wonderful and convinced me to go, because I would have been disappointed in myself if I had missed it.

I made it through the party, I know that sounds terrible, like it was some huge chore (which it wasn't). Well it wouldn't have been for a "normal" person. It wasn't anything about the party that required a huge effort, it was me, my state of mind. The effort needed to put on the happy mask, the mask that hides the darkness inside. I don't hide my depression but I don't want it to be in every one's faces all the time either. The effort required to keep the mask in place makes me tired.

On Sunday I thought I felt better. I couldn't bring myself to leave the house and I still felt quite low but I didn't feel like crying every minute of the day. Monday I woke up with a terrible migraine and spent most of the day doing nothing and then today...

Today I had to take Miss 13 to an orientation session at her new high school. I put all my effort into getting out of bed, getting ready to leave the house, being interested, involved, motivated. Then I got home and hit the low again. Now I am sitting here trying to convince myself to go and see my friends tonight. I am supposed to be seeing some of my favourite people in the world tonight but that anxious feeling has settled itself on my chest. The thought of leaving the house makes me ill. It's not about where I'm going. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. It's just a horrible, illogical, irrational feeling that I CAN NOT go out.

Perhaps it's time to see a psychologist again...
Labels:

Comments

  1. Me30 November 2011 at 06:07

    Hey Tif - hope you feel better able to cope with everything soon.
    Take care !
    Love, hugs and positive energy !

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous12 December 2011 at 17:20

    I hadn't replied to this one cause i had that horrible, illogical, irrational feeling that i COULD NOT reply!

    But it's gone now, so i'm not gonna bother with the psychologist!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Thanks for taking the time to comment!

Popular posts from this blog

I don't want to do this anymore

I am so over it right now. Everything feels hard. Everything feels shit. Everything makes me want to cry. I don't want to be a person any more. I don't want to be an anything any more. My children are smart. They get good grades, score well on NAPLAN, their teachers love them. Why then must they continue to do stupid things? I am so sick of a child running to tell me that so-and-so did such-and-such to me, I am sick of them hurting each other, I am sick of them destroying things, I am sick of them whinging, complaining, walking past rubbish on the floor, leaving shit everywhere, pretending they can't see the dog wee on the floor, having rooms that looking like the aftermath of a break and enter. I am sick of washing dishes, of sweeping floors, of the endless amounts of washing and folding and cleaning and tidying and cooking and planning and thinking. I am sick of feeling guilty for not being able to do those things that I should be doing, of feeling guilty that my husband...
7 comments
Read more

Week One... Or Should I Say Week Two Thousand One Hundred and Seventy Nine...

 That's how many weeks I have been alive (give or take a couple of days). Two thousand one hundred and seventy-nine. Yet here I am still fighting the same fights I have always fought. Self-image, self-acceptance, unrelenting standards, imposter syndrome.  Once again I find myself in a body that feels uncomfortable and unhealthy. It crept up on me slowly and suddenly all at the same time. I still barely eat any refined sugar. I turn down the lollies and cakes and doughnuts at work. It's not even a struggle, I no longer enjoy the way sugar makes my body feel. But my old nemesis, potato chips, remains undefeated. I eat potato chips to fill the emptiness in my soul. To feel as miserable physically as I do mentally or emotionally. To get comfort from an association with my childhood. It is the struggle I can't overcome. The war I can't win. So after months of trying on my own to no avail, months of the scales not budging, I have signed up for a healthy eating plan. I'm n...
2 comments
Read more

Confessions of a Fat Girl

I have been concerned about my weight and appearance ever since I was 12. I was teased in primary school for being fat and called names like porky. Here is a picture from my Year 7 Graduation to illustrate how fat and disgusting I was I say fat and disgusting because I truly believed when I was 12 that I was some hideously fat monster that no boy would ever want to kiss, no boy would ever want to go out with, no boy would ever love. It makes me so sad looking at this photo to know that I was so slim, so pretty, my life should have been full of wonder and possibility. Instead I began my journey down the long dark road that has led me to the depths of depression and an obsession with my weight (but thankfully never an eating disorder) and today it has led me to make this confession... I am currently the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. I have eaten myself to the weight I never wanted to be. I am the exact thing I was teased for being. Along with the fact that I don...
4 comments
Read more