World Domination and the Darkness

"Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"

"The same thing we do every night Pinky - 

try to take over the world!"

Two things are clear to me, I love that cartoon and Brain never suffered from depression. You see it's much easier to try to take over the world if you don't have to use every ounce of motivation and determination in your body to get out of bed each morning. If Brain had suffered from depression it is likely he may have given up his plan after the first failure. For even the smallest hurdle can, to a depressive, seem like an insurmountable barrier.

Now don't get me wrong, there are lots of depressed people who have achieved all sorts of amazing things. World domination while depressed is not completely impossible its just a hell of a lot harder. Before people start accusing me of being a whiner and making excuses I would first ask those people a) do you currently have or have you ever depression? and b) can you shut your stupid mouth cause no one asked you!?

 I am blessed to know some amazing and fabulous people in my life, some of whom have achieved and continue to achieve the most awesome things, things that enrich the world and make it a better place to live. Growing up I always dreamed that I would be one of those people, its something I daydream of even now. I want to contribute, I want to make the world a better place, I want to heal the world... oh wait no, that was Michael Jackson (NO MJ jokes or I will cut you).

I want to be one of those people achieving things and getting things done but I am not. I realised in a moment of clear thinking last week that part of the reason for this is my depression and the extreme lack of momentum I suffer from, the other part is my experience at my last employer. I have spoken briefly before on social media and my blog about my unpleasant experiences and I will go in to no further detail about it now other than to say that being bullied and having your motivations, abilities and personality called in to question do little for the self esteem. Particularly the self esteem of an already damaged and vulnerable person.

I do not wish to make myself seem a victim and I have no desire to play one either, I want only to understand myself and perhaps heal old wounds. I no longer have any belief in my ability to gain or hold down a job, I doubt myself, I doubt my skills, I doubt all the things I have learned and I realised last week that I doubt who I am as a human being as well. I have lost complete faith in myself as a person. I no longer believe there is anything good or worthwhile about me. I have long held fears regarding the content of my character, the bullying and name calling in primary and high school, the body image issues, the thoroughly unhealthy relationship I had with the father of Princess Bob and Stinky Pete, the years of assuming people didn't like me, were judging me, have all eroded my self worth but my departure from my last job finally did what life had been unable to do up until that point. It broke me.

I think I have finally realised why I get scared to leave my house. It is because I don't want to be in the presence of people I know will not like me, i.e. all people. I know they will not like me because I am unlikable. There is nothing about me that is worth starting a conversation with, no reason to try and become my friend. I have nothing to offer. I am an ugly human being. These are the things I think. Of course the rational part of my brain tells me that it can't be true, that I'm not all THAT bad. In the end though the creeping dark overpowers the logic, it always does.

I put on a good show though. No one knows. No ones knows I feel this way. My husband shaped person gets the worst of it, the moods, the temper, the sadness, all without reason or explanation. He has an inkling of how I feel but not to the extent the darkness has grown. My mother shaped person gets it almost as bad. I try to protect her and so I think she doesn't comprehend how deep the darkness is. I don't want her to blame herself, none of this is her fault, but being a mother I know she will try to shoulder the burden.

I'm not writing this to make you feel sorry me. To give me sympathy and tell me how wonderful you think I am, the darkness assures me its all lies in any case, or maybe you just don't know me well enough to realise I'm not worth knowing. I'm writing this because if I don't write it I might explode. I'm writing this to tell you that you are not alone in the darkness, yes you, the one who puts on a good show. I'm writing this so others might understand, so they might squeeze their loved one a little tighter. I'm writing this because it is my truth. Its me, tif. This is who I have become.