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Unsent Letters: Dear All the Boys from my Youth (Or a post in which you learn too much about me)

Dear ALL the Boys of my Youth,

Let me start by saying I'm sorry. Each of you has a particular thing that I am sorry for but let's just assume that I am sorry for everything.

In case you were unaware, when I was 16 an event happened that would shape who I would become in the months and years that came after it. I was terribly hard on myself growing up, I believed I was an ugly hideous beast that would be alone forever because no boys would ever want to be with me. I didn't even have my first kiss until I was 16 (with you Luke, where are you now?). I had no self confidence whatsoever. Then on a night out with a friends, one of my friends older brother and some of his friends a thing happened that changed who I was.

One of the older brothers friends got me alone (everyone else was busy breaking into the Local Outdoor Pool) and started  to tell me lovely things. It rapidly became something more than talking and before I knew it, this boy I hardly knew was having sex with me. I say that he was having sex with me because I wasn't participating. It hurt, I asked him to stop, more than once, I tried to pull away. He didn't listen. He stopped only when a group of others came looking for us.

My head was spinning. I'd just had sex against my will. For the first time. But more than that this boy wanted to have sex with me. He thought I was attractive. He wanted to kiss me. I was a real girl, not this bad copy of one I'd imagined myself to be. Despite the negative aspect of our interaction I was so amazed that I followed him around for the rest of the night like a little lost puppy. Later when I would tell people that it was against my will, some that were there that night would struggle to believe me because of my behaviour afterwards. Sometimes, when it's dark and those moments float back into my head I struggle to believe it myself. Surely I should have been afraid of him, wanted to be as far from him as possible? I was so messed up about my own self image that the thrill of a boy being attracted to me overrode all other emotion.

I can remember going to the toilet and it hurting. There was blood. I cried. He was so nice to me afterwards though. In his mind I'm sure it was consensual. That same night his friend wanted to kiss me after everyone else had gone to sleep. I was in a daze. Two boys in one night thought I was beautiful. How was this even possible?

It was from that night on that I learnt the kind of power a girl could have over a boy if she said the right things, behaved the right way. The sexuality that had been thrust upon me became the thing that defined me. I revelled in the attention of boys. The attention I could garner from touching an arm, smiling a certain way, hugging a moment longer, using sexual or suggestive language, it was like a drug to me. I was addicted. After believing for so many years that I was ugly I finally had proof that I wasn't.

I never went all the way with most of the boys I encountered but let's just say I was pretty familiar with most of the other bases. I had boys under my control and I loved it. I was called a goddess by one, another asked his girlfriend if he could have sex with me (she agreed, I did not). I was like Ben Cousins on ice. I didn't know how to stop, and I didn't want to.

Then there was Matt. Sweet, lovely, innocent Matt. My first real boyfriend. He worshipped me and I loved it. It didn't stop me from kissing a lot of other boys though. We stayed together for almost a year, I stayed "faithful" for maybe two months. I knew what I was doing was wrong but the thrill and excitement of it was louder than my shame. I hurt people. I led people on. I'm sorry.

There are too many of you to mention by name but please know that each of you is remembered, each of you holds a special place in my memories and my heart. I am sorry for the way I behaved, I am sorry for the hurt I caused, hurt that I probably don't even know exists for some of you. Thank you all for giving me the confidence to grow into the woman I am now, I owe each of you a small debt of gratitude. While I can't change anything please know that I have changed. And please remember that it wasn't your fault, I was a messed up kid.

I hope you have all found your place in the world. Found someone to love you the way that I love the #hsp. Found someone who values you for the amazing men you all must be now. I wish you love and happiness and all the things you deserve. Especially the boy from that night that changed me, I hope you have gotten everything you deserve.

Much love
Txx


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