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Guilt and anxiety (another fun post, I'm such a whinger)

So this morning I got a completely random email from someone I used to consider a good friend (we had a thing, I was a bitch, it was a little bit awkward but he's pretty awesome). Apparently he is a reader of my blog and I didn't even know it! He wanted to know why I hadn't blogged in two months. A valid question, one I ask myself every day.

My answer was a very pragmatic one, I currently have two jobs, do the admin for our business, study at uni and have to manage a house full of two and four legged mess makers! But I know there's more to it than that. I had started to feel a bit like I was always complaining on my blog, that I made it seem like my life was terrible because I tend to write more freely when I'm in a bad mental place. That couldn't be further from the truth. I have a wonderful life full of amazing people. I am very lucky to live in a country that allows me freedom of speech, access to health care and education for little to no cost (but let's not talk about our policies on asylum seekers or I might get shouty), I have nothing to deal with except first world problems. The worst thing in my life is my hinky brain chemistry.

However I struggle to write about the good things in my life. I guess it's some sort of reistance to being seen to be showing off or gloating. Or maybe I think the good stuff is boring and no one would want to read it. Everyone wants drama right? So the combination of not writing as much about good stuff and not wanting to come across like I'm complaining all the time has led to me not blogging.

When I think about how I should be blogging I feel guilty, then that makes me anxious! The same goes for all the eleventy hundred other things I need to be doing right now. Even as I sit here writing this I'm thinking about the uni reading and assignments I need to do, the house work that needs to be done, the laundry that needs to be washed, dried and folded, the class I should be doing at the gym, the books I should be reading, the billing I need to do for the business, the work I need to finish for a friend before she gets back from her holiday. All of that guilt about the things I should be doing leads to me sitting on the couch feeling overwhelmed and doing none of it!

I've upped my anti crazy meds again to try and keep my anxiety levels down and cope with the stress but so far it's still a bit iffy as to whether it's working or not! I listened to a lecture the other day about depression and the doctor gave one of the best descriptions of depression I've ever heard. Among other things he said that it's like having some one standing behind you constantly telling you that you can't do anything, that you're crap, that you're going to fail. That's pretty much how I feel most days at the moment. Luckily I have lots of people in my life telling me that I CAN do it, that I'm not crap. I try to listen to them more than the negative thoughts.

So I'll try and blog more often, even if it's about boring good stuff! But please be patient with me if there's gaps where I don't write much, and feel free to say hi and give me some encouragement @itsme_tif or its.me.tif@gmail.com


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Comments

  1. You are super, super awesome and you CAN DO IT! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks Millicent! If only I could convince my stupid brain! x

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    2. Hi Dear. I like your blog post. It contains awesome information.


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