Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Wednesday's Child: Apparently I'm a terrible person

So I wasn't going to write a blog post today. I haven't really felt like writing about my mental health the last couple of weeks, the words just haven't flowed. I've been doing reasonably well and I never want to write about things when they are going well. I'm all about the doom and gloom. Then all of a sudden, BOOM! A series of small events and I'm on the edge of tears and feeling like shit.

This week I got into a hated discussion with someone on twitter. This person has said a few things in recent weeks that have really gotten to me and I've been contemplating unfollowing them but was worried about hurting their feelings as I don't hate them or anything, I just don't see the world the same way as them. Or maybe they just purposely write things on twitter to cause shit and I always seem to be the one who bites. In any case I got into a disagreement with them this week which ended with them telling me they were blocking me. After weeks of worrying about their feelings I ended up blocked. Then another person thought it would be hilarious to troll me as well, I swiftly blocked them and felt all the better for it.

Then today I wake up to discover that someone has been emailing my employer about me. Making them think I didn't want to work for them or some such, I haven't been informed of the details. There's a part of me that wants to feel proud that someone dislikes me enough to go to all that effort. It means I must be doing something right doesn't it? But there's also that part of me that hides underneath the "fuck 'em all" attitude and cries like a tiny child because someone out there doesn't like me. Despite my desire to not conform to what others think I should be, my resistance to being someone who just goes with the flow and doesn't speak out, there is a part of me that wants everyone to like me.

I think it all comes back to that goddamn depression voice, the one that whispers in my ear that people don't actually like me, they just tollerate me. I've spoken about this at some length, I'm trying so hard not to listen to it, but when things like this happen it becomes so loud and shouty. I was already feeling pretty low because of these goings on and then came the straw that broke the camels back.

I was talking about todays turn of events with a friend and they said "well you do have lots of enemies". I was gobsmacked. For once in my life I had no words. All I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and cry. I have enemies? I've pissed people off so much that they would classify me as their enemy? My friends views me in such a light that THEY think people hate me enough to classify me as an enemy? If my friends think that about me then I must be some kind of horrible person. Maybe it was just a poor choice of words said in passing with no real thought but it stung. A lot. 

So here I am, sitting at my computer, tears streaming down my face, as I try to deal with the fact that I am just that horrible.

Edit: please note that I am not in any way implying that the twitter incident and the email are related. Just to clarify.


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