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Not this again

I am feeling down. Have been for a while. That's why I haven't been posting. It's not an all encompassing downness, I have moments and days where I feel fine, but the thought of blogging (along with numerous other to-dos) have left me feeling tight chested and anxious. I've also been avoiding people, avoiding social situations and I've been crap at communicating with the people I love. I've stopped tweeting, stopped texting, stopped calling. I'm hiding. It's impossible however, to hide from yourself.

Today, right now, I am feeling particularly down. I was fine this morning, I had a lovely day with the HSP and saw a movie I've been desperate to see (Oz). Yet this afternoon the cloud descended around my shoulders and I suddenly felt the darkness wrap it's fingers around my heart and squeeze. I suddenly and instantly wanted to bury my face in my pillow and cry. Not just cry, sob, that physical crying that involves your shoulders, your chest, your whole body. That crying that leaves you unable to make any noise and your throat raw and painful. I have no idea why, nothing happened to trigger it, in fact just the opposite is true. Yet here I am.

The HSP never knows what to do when I am like this and says things like "whatever it is, I didn't do it". He says this because he is worried that it is indeed something he did, but its not. Its a whole lot of general nothing and everything. His self blaming only helps to make me feel worse however. When I am in this state this just serves as more proof that I am not worthwhile as a wife, love and friend. That he would be better off without me. The tiny, logical, sane voice, screams from deep inside the darkness that I shouldn't listen. I try to listen to her but she is so small and weak and fragile. I am on edge, impatient, snappy, my emotions unstable. I should just go to bed.

I had the urge to write this and then when I loaded up the log in page I wanted to cry again. I have no idea why. I forced myself to log in and press the new post button. Then I wrote this. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

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Comments

  1. terpie5112 March 2013 at 17:24

    Tif...Im sorry that this has come upon you. I feel for you I really do..because I go through the same cycle of darkness again and again too.
    I'm happy you wrote about it because some of that has been released in your writing I'm sure (even if its only a tiny bit) and I hope you do feel better tomorrow. Let us know hey!

    ReplyDelete
  2. blogger17 March 2013 at 20:00

    Don't worry, checkout my blog at
    http://definingwords.blogspot.com/2013/03/coal.html
    feel free to leave a comment

    ReplyDelete

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