a warped view

I have spent my whole life being one of those really irritating people that always wants to be right. I've gotten less annoying as I've gotten older, occasionally keeping my desire to be right locked up inside, but its still there, even when I hide it and attempt to "let things go", I still want to be right. Except this time. This time I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to be so very wrong. I wanted to state my case and have it proven totally and completely wrong. But the one time I want to be wrong, it looks like I'm going to end up being right. I would swap all of the right in the world to be wrong this one time. But it seems I'm out of luck. So I'll lay here, trying to keep my heart from becoming irreparabley broken (too late), collecting an ocean's worth of tears on my pillow, wishing to undo everything that's been done, wishing to go back to the start and begin again.

So apparently I am one of a very small percentage of ADHD adults who experiences a worsening of depression symptoms when taking Dexamphetamines.  To start with I didn't notice, but as I continued to take my daily doses my depression symptoms have gotten worse and worse. The situation reached critical mass on Sunday night. My thoughts and behaviour got beyond my control and I had a complete meltdown. The rest of the week has been nothing short of difficult. There has been tears at the drop of the hat, an inability to regulate my emotions (more than usual), and a highly emotional state in general. The smallest things have sent me spiralling out of control. The hsp says its the worst he has ever seen me. It has left me feeling afraid and ashamed. My logical brain knows that there is no reason to feel this way but my logical brain is not exactly the loudest at the moment.  Luckily I had an appointment with my ADHD doctor today and I informed him what was going on. ...

i am fighting the urge to run. i have nothing to run from. i have more than most people ever have. i have a good life. but i want to run. i want to run and i want to fade away into the nothingness that i feel i am made of. i want to disappear so no one will ever feel bothered by me again. i want this pain to stop. i want more pain. i want there to be so much pain that i collapse under the weight of it. i want there to be no pain because i am so tired of the pain. i want answers. i want to know why i feel this way when i shouldn't. i want to know where you go when you feel like there is nowhere for you any more. there are no safe places. there is nothing.

Dear Norms, I'm writing you this letter because there's a few things we need to get straight. For a start, you might be wondering who these Norms are and if you're one of them. Norms are people who haven't had an atypical brain function diagnosis (i.e. depression, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar, PTSD, cognitive issues, etc etc). They're a bit like muggles, if people with mental health issues were wizards. I've addressed this letter to all of you because you might be guilty of some of the things I'm going to talk about without even realising it. So here's a list of things you need to know/understand 1. Just because my illness(es) don't produce physical symptoms you can see (like bruises, broken bones, hair falling out etc) that doesn't mean my illness isn't real. I can one hundred percent guarantee you that while it is classified as a mental illness there are physical symptoms that I deal with every day and this is on top of the emotional and psyc...

So I generally try to avoid as much news and news media as possible. Especially when it comes to America because it makes me fearful for the future of the planet. I have been doing my absolute best to avoid anything containing the words Mitt or Romney as just the sound of his name makes me shudder and makes my uterus fear for its future rights. However today, thanks to the lovely Kacy, I was introduced to the little faux par Mittens (Romney's adorable nickname) made that has sparked a hilarious collection of memes. I thought I'd share my favourites here. For those of you who don't know the back story like I didn't, here it is: On October 16th, 2012, the second U.S. presidential debate took place at Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York. During the debate, an undecided voter by the name of Katherine Fenton asked both candidates about pay inequality for women, to which Romney replied with an anecdote about how he sought to form a gender-balanced cabinet during h...

short term goals for this month and why the 2010 day eight can be found here I'm not particularly good at setting goals. I struggle with that whole SMART concept; Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Timely... sounds like hard work to me! I tend to be more of a dreamer and schemer than a goal setter (you're stunned I know). I suppose though that I do have a few short term goals, not that I would really call them that. So here is my list SHIT I NEED TO DO (aka Goals) Make sure I take my anti depressants and my dexamphetamines EVERY day Blog Attempt to read a book now that I have the new concentration drugs Try to get to bed at a reasonable time, at least most nights of the week See, talk to, and hug my friends more Tell (and show) my family every day that I love them I'm not sure about the Specific, Measurable and Timely parts, but I'm pretty sure I've got attainable and Relevant covered :)

a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you The 2010 day seven post can be found here This is a post that takes little thinking about. There is only one possible answer to what has the biggest impact on me, and that is my kids! How they are doing, if they are happy, what's going on in their lives, all impact on me, my mood, my day, my life. If I'm feeling sad, these three smiling faces can cheer me up and make me happy once again. They have an impact on every decision I make.  oh, and there's this guy too of course...

favorite super hero and why The 2010 Day Six can be found here growing up I was never really into superheroes. I read comics but it was mostly Archie comics with some occasional British comics that I can't remember the name of. My dad was right into the Phantom but I was never particularly interested, I did however love reading his Asterix books. I vaguely remember watching Superman movies when I was a kid, and have enjoyed the various incarnations of Superman that have appeared on TV.  I became slightly more interested in the world of marvel via some friends when I was in high school and as a "grown up" I've fallen in love with the new breed of superheroes that have graced the silver screen the last few years. I am a little sad at the predominantly male culture associated with the surge in superhero movies and TV shows etc. Don't get me wrong I'm as big a fan of the male superheroes as the next girl (hello Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth & Jeremy...

a picture of somewhere you've been to This is such an ambiguous topic for today. I've been to so many place, I go to places all the time! I could share places I've been on holiday, places I go to eat, places we take the kids, the ballet, the theatre, my mums house! These are all somewheres that I've been. So I've decided to be tricky and treat this question metaphorically. I've decided that the picture of the somewhere I've been will be a picture of me at (or close to) my heaviest. At the start of the year I blogged about reaching my heaviest ever and how devastated I was by it. I've made a lot of changes this year, worked hard, lost weight, slacked off, put some back on, tried, given up, tried again, and as of today I'm almost back down to the lightest I've been since having kids (just 4 more kgs to go). So, here's somewhere I've been: You can't see a lot of me I know, but you can see all the extra weight in my face. I h...

since i started considering the possibility that i may have adhd, and since receiving my diagnosis, i have been doing lots of reading about it. the diagnostic criteria is seen by some as a bit nonspecific and there is no blood test you can do to confirm for sure. in fact some people are still convinced that it's not even a thing. there are three different types of adhd; there is predominantly inattentive type, predominantly hyperactive/impulsive type and there is a combination of the two. the diagnostic criteria tend to come off as quite negative (things that are wrong with you) including things like,  does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes,  has trouble keeping attention on tasks,  has trouble organizing activities,  avoids, dislikes, or doesn't want to do things that take a lot of mental effort for a long period of time,  loses things needed for tasks and activities, i s easily distracted, i s forgetful in daily activities, ta...

I love you like oil Coming down hard Need you so fast Need you so right away Like a road train I need you babe Let's burn it all away But I love you like water You give me order It's getting hotter Believe me when I say That like a spring rain I need you babe But nothing last forever after all I'll love you til the ocean takes us all This is the story of two lovers like twins They would do lovers things blame original sin Look into their eyes only for the meaning of the hour As if there only everything existed in their power, yet Lo and behold they drifted on a stream humming How does it go? Oh 'Life is but a dream' Well the steam became a river and the river start to tow They, they didn't notice at all I love you like oil Coming down hard Need you so fast Need you so right away Like a road train I need you babe But nothing last forever after all I'll love you til the ocean takes us all And on this black day the people shouted from the shore Screaming, ...