a warped view

Warning: this post is a post written for me. To get my feelings out of my head where they go around and around. There is no obligation to read it. The voice inside me has always told me that I have to be someone. I have to achieve something amazing. Change the world. Affect people's lives. Not just this. This living. I think it was created by my belief that I am no one. By being told when I was younger that I could "be someone". That I had so much potential. But never really believing it. I have a constant internal conflict between the two extremes. Seeing all my old school friends on facebook, seeing them graduate uni, travel, have awesome careers, makes it so much harder. It makes me feel like I'm a failure. None of them have jobs that create world peace or cure cancer (as far as I'm aware), but they are more somebody than me. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others. I know each life stands alone, with its own misery and happiness. It's own difficult...

I've noticed that when I stop trying to push my emotions away, when I am more conscious of feeling my feelings, I dream more. Not just more, almost constantly. Vivid, complicated, intense dreams. I can't help but feel that the two things are related.  By being more in tune with my feelings am I allowing my sub conscious more freedom? Am I allowing my inner voice to speak rather than forcing it to be silent? I'm not a huge one for dream interpretation, my dreams are usually inspired by conversations I've had or something I've been watching. I don't necessarily think there are hidden messages in my dreams, I'm more interested in the act of dreaming itself.  I've always had a lot of dreams. They are always very detailed and, as long as I think about them as soon as I wake up, I'm easily able to remember them. However for most of this year I've either not dreamt or been completely unable to recall any dreams at all. The human brain is a fascinating t...

Working with my psych has made me realise that one of the biggest mistakes I make is invalidating my own feelings by explaining away other people's bad behaviour. I've spent the majority of my life rationalising, its something that I think I learned from my mother. It's something that used to make me angry at my mother. She is a big believer in seeing both sides of the story, and consequently so am I. Seeing both sides of the story is not the issue though, I still think that's a great ability to have. The problem comes when you are so good at seeing the other persons side of the story that the feelings they caused with their actions become secondary, or get lost completely.  I realised today that I now do it to my daughter and I want to stop. When she comes to me to tell me about something that has happened with her friends she doesn't want me to be objective, she wants me to soothe her hurt feelings. She doesn't need help seeing why the other person did what th...

So I was a bit anxious about seeing a psychologist. I've done it before in the past and the experiences were mediocre at best. I didn't find them particularly helpful in the long term though they did probably provide some short term benefit. I am always worried that I won't like the psychologist. That I won't feel comfortable with them and I will spend the whole time wishing I could leave. I am, to my own detriment, sometimes too quick to judge people. Although I am most often proved right about my gut feelings I do occasionally get it wrong and then have to eat some humble pie while trying to apologise for getting it so wrong. When I first saw the woman who would be my psych my anxiety levels increased. She had a hard edged look about her, sharp and harsh. Not soft and caring and anything at all like the sort of person I wanted to spill my inner secrets to. Luckily, in this case, I was wrong. Once we got into the session I could see she was very good at her job and...

So a lot has been happening in my world. I've started taking my anti-depressants again and I've started seeing a psych. Things (like getting out if bed and forming coherent sentences) were getting hard and there was no chance of me accomplishing anything harder (like laundry, remembering to eat or what my name was). There is no shame in getting help, I'm just super stubborn and even avoid taking panadol or using band aids whenever possible.  I also decided that I needed to make a concerted effort to start reading again. So I started reading a book I received as a present from one of the loveliest people I know. It's called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and I love it. It's all about Gretchen's quest to become happier and what she did to achieve it. She wasn't particularly unhappy to start with, she just felt she could be happier, more engaged in her own life and kinder to herself and the people she loved. She didn't want her life to just whiz by...

"Now Muscle Shoals has got the Swampers  And they've been known to pick a song or two  Lord they get me off so much  They pick me up when I'm feeling blue  Now how about you?" - Lynyrd Skynyrd Chances are you've never heard of Muscle Shoals, Alabama. It is highly likely however, that you've heard  of Aretha Franklin, Wilson Pickett, Otis Redding, Bob Dylan, Paul Simon, and the Rolling Stones. All of these artists, and many, many others, recorded some of their most popular, successful and groundbreaking songs and albums at both Fame Studios and Muscle Shoals Sound Studios in Muscle Shoals. This beautifully shot documentary, named after the town, takes viewers on a journey through history, introducing us to the key players and a supporting cast of famous faces.  Utilising, interviews, archive footage, photos, sound clips and some of the greatest music ever recorded, Muscle Shoals introduces us to the men who made ...

It's always so hard to pick just a handful of films from the Revelation Perth International Film Festival (or Rev as it's affectionately known) lineup to recommend. When people ask me what they should see my answer is usually "ALL THE THINGS!". But I'm going to do my darnedest to pick out the best of the best. I'm going to split it into three different categories, my top 5 features, my top 5 documentaries and my overall top 5. Anything that makes it into the overall top 5 won't be included in the other two because that would be silly. Top 5 Features White Reindeer A Field in England Gimme the Loot Cheap Thrills A Monster in Paris (A kids movie and showing in 3D!) Check out the trailer for the not-your-average-Christmas-movie White Reindeer here Top 5 Documentaries Burn The Act of Killing  Fierce Green Fire Sunset Strip Hunter The trailer for The Act of Killing is here . It's chilling stuff. and now, DRUMROLL... Top 5...