a warped view

I am so tired of people telling other people how to do any and all of the things. What words you can say if you're over 30, what music to like, what movies are ok to admit you enjoy, how you should be using your phone, facebook, instagram, twitter, toothbrush, kitchen sink, how you should live your life, spend more time being in the moment, not be on antisocial social media, what you should and shouldn't feel good or bad about, how people should or shouldn't be parents, women, men, feminists, activist, human beings. It just goes on and on. Here's an idea. If you don't like the way I do things or the words I say you have two choices. If you genuinely like me then you can choose to put up with the things about me that don't mesh 100% with the way you live your life (as I do with many of the people I love when it's not a deal breaker like racism or violence) or you can remove me from your facebook, twitter, instagram, life. That's it. Those are your two o...

I don't really go in big for resolutions. I've never been an avid resolution setter. As someone said on twitter the other day, if it's important enough to you then you just do it, you don't wait for a special day to start being better. However this year I've decided to make some resolutions. This year I turn 35 and when I reflect on my life in my 30s I see that its been a massive period of growth and change for me. I've become more willing to be myself, found my own style, lost friends and made new ones and lost some again. This year I embark on a new adventure. On the 29th of January I begin my journey to becoming a Nutritional Medicine practitioner, Naturopath and Herbalist. I'm not sure about the herbs and stuff yet, my main focus is on learning the science behind nutrition, how our bodies work and how we can heal ourselves by making choices about what we put in our mouths. It seemed a natural step after my journey from 100.5kgs to the 74.5kgs I am now ...

I was going through the ridiculous amount of drafts on my blog and found this one. I think I was probably going to write more but I decided to publish it anyway because I think it's an interesting idea... I was just reading some statistics about depression and I came across something I've seen so many times before but this time it made me stop and pause. This is what I saw Those with the following personality types are at risk of depression: Lifelong worrier Perfectionist Sensitive to personal criticism Unassertive Low self-esteem Self-critical and negative Shy and socially anxious And suddenly I wondered, are these personality types prone to depression, or are these personality types caused by depression? I'm sure I'm not the first person to wonder this, there are lots of much smarter brains than mine that spend a hell of a lot more time thinking about depression than I do.

Dear Broken Little Girl You've got the world fooled. With your masks and your costumes. With the illusion you have created. I'm not fooled anymore, I see who you truly are. I see the little girl terrified of revealing any weakness or cracks. The little girl who uses people for what they can do for her and then casts them aside until she needs them once more. I used to look at you and think you were so much more than me, that I was so much less. Now I realise that you will never be as much as me. Not until you are willing to be wrong, to be imperfect, to be fragile and vulnerable and human. Anybody can do what you do, yet you doubt my ability. You think you are so grown up and in control, but you're not. Everything you stand against, you have been. Everything you fight for, you've never endured. You are an empty shadow trying to fill yourself up at the expense of others. You once told me that I should learn to put myself first and say no. Well I've learnt. I...

Last night we went to an outing that required us to dress up 1950s style. As always I left everything to last minute but I managed to throw together a pretty decent ensemble. During the night I posted the following on social media  "dress up parties are much funner when you aren't as fat #justsaying #confessionsofaformerfatgirl" I posted this because I realised how much easier it had been for me now that I am a size 12/14 instead of a size 20 to find something to wear and how much more comfortable I felt being "in costume". Somebody took exception claiming that I should re-word my statement as some of our mutual friends may find it offensive and upsetting. Hogwash I say. Anyone who has been as big as I have, or bigger, knows exactly what I am talking about.  When you are any size bigger than a 16 wearing any clothes can be hard, let alone dress ups. While it is getting easier, with more plus size fashion labels available, being overweight and shopping for clothe...

I will never toe the line, fall in line or stay in line. I do not follow the crowd, the beaten path, go by the book, with the flow, roll over or play the game. I will make waves, rock the boat, misbehave, challenge, contradict, reject, act up, offend, transgress. I will be out of line, out of order, go astray, get into mischief, make trouble and do it with joy. I am passionate, intense and zealous, never apathetic or indifferent. I will get it wrong and I will make mistakes and I'll admit when I do (usually).This is who I am. I don't hide it. Don't expect me to change it. It's taken me a lifetime to become comfortable enough to be proud of who I am. So don't take advantage of my passion when it suits you and then try to change me when it doesn't. That's a good way to lose my respect. This is me. Deal with it.

Warning: this post is a post written for me. To get my feelings out of my head where they go around and around. There is no obligation to read it. The voice inside me has always told me that I have to be someone. I have to achieve something amazing. Change the world. Affect people's lives. Not just this. This living. I think it was created by my belief that I am no one. By being told when I was younger that I could "be someone". That I had so much potential. But never really believing it. I have a constant internal conflict between the two extremes. Seeing all my old school friends on facebook, seeing them graduate uni, travel, have awesome careers, makes it so much harder. It makes me feel like I'm a failure. None of them have jobs that create world peace or cure cancer (as far as I'm aware), but they are more somebody than me. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others. I know each life stands alone, with its own misery and happiness. It's own difficult...