a warped view

Firstly let me say up front that I did not in any way write this blog post as a way of seeking validation. I never write with an expectation of response, i write only for the sole purpose of getting my thoughts out of my head and offering some support/understanding for others who suffer from similar mental health issues/self esteem problems My whole life, due to bullying and never quite belonging or fitting in, I have established for myself the default position that I am not liked. When I meet people I automatically assume that they don't like me. I believe myself to be unlikable and know that because I doubt myself I can sometimes come across as snobby or stand offish. Despite my determination to not care what people think of me, I care desperately about how I am judged by others and presume that once I have been measured I will be found lacking. Even if people seem to like me to begin with, I believe that once they get to know me they will realize their mistake and move on. I don...

what I would find in your bag Most likely a combination of the following Purse Another purse with all my membership/loyalty cards in it A coin purse Mobile phone iPod iPad Nintendo DS Diary Pens Pencils Earphones Notebook Post-it Notes A book Chewing Gum Salt Packets from McDonald/Chicken Treat Straws Toys Tissues (used and otherwise) Muesli Bars Keys Hair ties / clips Sunglasses 3D Glasses Receipts Scraps of paper Notes from School I think that about covers the regular stuff... no wonder my bag is so freakin heavy!

a letter to your parents I have had a bit of a break from the blogging. We have had lots going on in our lives with the purchase of a new business, a trip over east for training, the holiday season fast approaching and general day to day life with three kids. I would like to say the break in my blogging was totally due to being busy but that would be a lie. Every time I think about writing my blog I remember that day 24's post is a letter to my parents and I put it off. I have complicated relationships with my parents, and sharing my thoughts and feelings about those relationships with the whole world, including family members seems daunting. I have, however, decided to finally bite the bullet and complete day 24's post so I can move on with the challenge. So here goes nothing... Dear Mum & Dad  Firstly I want you both to know that I love you very much and I hope that nothing I say in this letter upsets you or makes you feel that you have failed as a parent. I have very di...

Because Alan & I are starting a new business and I will be running the office side of it from home we have decided to make a concerted effort to tidy up our study/office. Part of that process involves me going through boxes and boxes of crap, throwing away the rubbish and finding homes for the lucky possessions that escape disposal. This is a big deal for me because I was raised by a single mother who is a hoarder. She is still a hoarder and despite being a neat freak continues to hold on to Better Homes & Gardens Magazines from 1985 because one day she might like to go back and read them. This has, of course, led to me being a hoarder as well. I say of course but I suppose it is like anything, it could have gone one of two ways, it could have left me a complete minimalist who despised the thought of hoarding even the smallest item or it could have (and did) result in me being a hoarder to the extreme as well. This time however, I decided to be ruthless. My hoarding does not ma...

something you crave a lot Food is my weakness. I don't drink alcohol, smoke, do drugs, gamble or have any other addictions apart from food. When it comes to food I have no control over myself what-so-ever, this may explain why I am a much larger size than I would like to be.  Once I get it in my head that I feel like eating something I will obsess about it until I eat that thing. My most common weaknesses/cravings are chips (in a packet or hot) with lots of salt, brie cheese and chocolate (at a certain time of the month).  Chips is the worst, I have been a chip addict since I was little. At the moment Kettle Salted are my favourite as they are really really salty, followed closely by Red Rock Deli Sweet Chilli and Sour Cream. I also occassionally have cravings for some old school favourites like Twisties (cheese or chicken), Burger Rings or Cheezels. Once I start a packet I struggle to stop myself from eating the whole thing and have been known to make myself feel sick. I ha...

what makes you different from everyone else Well I think it would be hard to find something about myself that no one in the world had/did the same so I will just list some of the things that I think make me special My spotty brown eye (@annecdotal_anna has one too, can't think of a nicer lady to share an abnormal eye with), my ability to focus on the positives 99% of the time, my belief and trust in the universe, my ability to give people my complete trust despite having been hurt so many times in the past, my desire to see everyone feel good about themselves and believe, as I do, that everyone is special and valuable, my tendency to put others before myself, to help whenever help is needed without a second thought, my loyalty, my sense of humour and ability to laugh at myself, my resilience and my determination to keep getting up and doing my best. I think all of that makes me pretty special and sets me apart from a lot of people in this mixed up world of ours.

someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future Well today's post seems a bit redundant really doesn't it?! Seeing as I am married to Alan and extremelly happy and in love with him. I suppose I could use this as an opportunity to expose a deep dark secret.  One day, when Ally has has a sex change so she and Seb can be gay together I hope to lure her away from him with my vagina! There, I said it! I feel so relieved!

nicknames and why I have them My very first nickname was given to me by my cousin Maria's, at the time boyfriend, now husband Robert. For some reason he has always called my Tif-a billy or just Billy. I'm not really sure how or why he started calling me this as I was 4 or 5 at the time. I came down to Perth with my Nanna for a visit and we stayed at my Aunty Dot's (Maria's Mum). At the time Maria was living at her Mum's house and studying to be a teacher (or had just started teaching, I'm not sure which one) and Robert was around often visiting. I always get a warm feeling inside to this say when he still calls me Billy, even at thirty it still makes me smile that he cared enough about me to give me a special name that has stuck with me for so long. RObert and MAria are the only ones who use the nickname and I think its gives us a special sort of connection. I have been called lots of the nicknames you would expect over the years, Tif, Tiff, Tiffy, Tiffo and the...

plans/dreams/goals you have well plans, dreams and goals are all very different. Goals have to have time frames, be measurable yada yada yada, dreams are all up in the air and plans usually involve lots of to do lists. At the moment we are about to start 'landscaping' our front yard and putting up a fence so I suppose that is a plan. I would also like to construct a fish pond and vegetable garden in the backyard and Alan has started lists and has sketches and measurements for those so I guess they are a plan too. Once master 4 starts fulltime school next year I am going to aim to make my business bigger and busier so that would be a goal for next year, along with helping Alan to grow our Jim's Mowing Business that we are about to buy (let me know if you need any gardening done!!). As for dreams, I have hundreds! I want to Learn to draw and paint, do an acting class, perform in a play, learn to sing, go on holidays in every state of Australia, drive around Australia in a ca...

I haven't actually travelled much overseas, having a baby at 18 kind of grounded me. I have been to Singapore, L.A. And Aspen with my family when I was younger. There are so many places I would like to go, Cambodia, Nepal, Thailand, Bhutan, pretty much every country in Europe and the UK and while I am not overly keen on visiting America there are certain places in the U.S. I would like to go (New York, New Orleans and Florida). I am desperate to get out and explore the world but will have to put it off a bit longer until my kids are a bit older. I do have a dream of going to France with my husband shaped person for our tenth wedding anniversary (September 2012) Ask me anything... I have no filter!

Depends... If I have just introduced myself to you as Tiffany and you call me Tif straight away then I will get a little bit miffed. In terms of spelling/written down, when I use my short name I prefer Tif because a canadian boy called Tyler Edwards wrote me a note once and spelled it that way and I was in lust with him so its been that way ever since! But when you say it Tiff & TIf sound the same! Ask me anything... I have no filter!

well first I had a really shit time in high school and some bad stuff happened to me in my life but luckiliy my mum had raised me to trust in myself and the universe so I decided to try being awesome. I tried really really hard and then I was. Ask me anything... I have no filter!

someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why Despite my depression I am very happy with my life. I have an amazing & wonderful husband who I love and adore more than a fat kids loves cake, gorgeous kids who crack me up and make me so proud (even when they fight) a gorgeous mum who provides so much love and support and an awesome group of friends and acquaintances who provide me with love, support, piss-taking, laughter, food, good times and shiggles. All of this makes it hard for me to decide who I would like to swap lives with for a day. I would like to switch bodies with my husband for a day, I think it would give us a better understanding of each others bodies, and by that I don't JUST mean sex! I mean our aches & pains as well, the way our bodies feel and operate, what it's like to see the world from 192cm / 168cm. Just everything about being the other person. Sometimes I think I would like to swap places with some fabulously wealthy career woman...

another picture of yourself really?! again....

put you ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play I am loving this blog post theme so much that I am going to do the first 50 songs instead!! (also because I have so much music from all different eras and genres on my ipod that I feel its the only way to get a good insight into whats actually on there!) Yarni Marni - Grinspoon Just Good Friends - Michael Jackson There'll Come A Time - John Butler I'll Be Loving You (Forever) - New Kids On The Block One Big Mob - Red Hot Chilli Peppers C-Walkin - Snoop Dogg Piss It All Away - Puddle of Mudd Flow - Live Sing - Ben Lee I Will Buy You A New Life - Everclear Serial Thrilla - Prodigy Daughter - Pearl Jam Gives You Hell - The All American Rejects Tell These Hands - Sara Storer Common People - Pulp Witchcraft - Wolfmother Volcano (97 Demo) - Damien Rice The Happy Birthday Song - Andrew Bird Radio Song - Jet Warm Winter Sky - Whitley Moon Won't Turn - Jupiter One Treat Me Like Your Mother - The Dead Weather Bury Me Deep In Love (wit...

a picture of you and your family I decided to use some retro photos for this post to mix it up a bit. Enjoy! Me with my Nanna - her and my Grandad helped my Mum raise me and we were very close. She had Alzheimers as long as I can remember (she got it very young) and I spent my teens watching her die very slowly. We lost her in 2000. She was a light in my life and I miss her terribly. This is me with my Grandad (the one I mentioned above). I love him lots but don't get to see him as much as I like. We sometimes struggle with our generational differences but he is an amazing man and I love him. This is me with my Uncle Don. He spent the last 12 or so years of his life fighting a cancer he was originally told would take hi life in a year. He was brave and kind and amazing. Everyone who knew him was enriched by his presence in their life and he is one of my heroes. He was the kind of man who made everyone feel special. I miss him. His widow, my Aunty Val is also one of my favourite p...

a letter to someone who has hurt you recently Well I want to write this letter to my inlaws but I can't because my mother-in-law might read it and be upset with me and I wouldn't want to give her another reason to be angry at me. So I am just going to write a funny letter and avoid being serious so that I can get on with the challenge! Dear Ally You have hurt me by telling me that you are moving far far away and making me so sad. However I know that you need to do what is right for you and Aedin and I support every decision you make. You have become one of my bestet friend and I love you. But BOO! to you for breaking my fragile little heart! Love T x x

I am now two days behind on my 30 Day Challenge... I think that may be because I am up to the write a letter to someone who has hurt you post... I am putting it off because I am trying to decide where to draw the line. What is too personal and will upset my family? What is too personal that people will be uncomfortable reading? I will have a go at it tomorrow I think.

how you found out about blogging and why you have one I guess I have always known about blogging, since back in the day it became the thing to do. Over the years I have had various blogs, never on any specific topics and never for any length of time. I am terrible at keeping up regular blogging (or regular anything really) which is part of the reason I am doing this 30 Day Challenge. I have always enjoyed writing and even contemplated making it my career at one point (what haven't I contemplated doing?!). I don't really seem to be able to write with any consistency or focus though. I have hundreds of unfinished stories and books full of poetry and snippets of writing. I go through phases where I have to write everyday, and phases where I don't write anything for months. Being on Twitter has meant that I am using the written word a lot more everyday and I have a personal blog where I write about whatever takes my fancy, movies, restaurants, conversation, things that happen e...

IMG_6846 Originally uploaded by tiffanyff another picture of you with your friends So this time around I am posting a picture of my absolutely 4 favourite people in the WHOLE world. We already talked about one of them, my husband shaped person and best friend, Alan. He is amazing and wonderful and strong and intelligent and supportive and caring and everything I could ask for in a husband, partner in crime and best friend. While our marriage is not perfect (no one's is) we are perfect for each other. We fit together like a jigsaw puzzle and I love him like a fat kid loves cake! My other 3 favorite people in the world are my three kids, Miss 12, Master 9 (almost 10) and Master 4 (otherwise known as base jumping jack or crash bandicoot). They are all hilariously funny, they crack me up everyday and each have an amazing sense of humour. They never fail to amaze me with how smart they are and how caring and wonderful. They are growing into amazing human beings before my eyes and I genu...

songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad Before I get into the blog post I just want to take a moment to celebrate making it a third of the way there! I am 33.333333% through the 30 Day Challenge! Anyway, down to business. When it comes to music I have very eclectic tastes. I grew up listening to a variety of music, from World War II era music, Elvis, and golden oldies to 60's and 70's pop and rock like Suzi Quatro, Meatloaf, the Beatles, the Doors, as well as songs like Wild Thing, Leader of the Pack, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance and plenty of other childhood favorites. My mum had a cassette tape collection of awesome songs that I remember dancing and singing along to as a child. My Nanna adored Elvis and her adoration lives on in me! My favorite Elvis song was always In The Ghetto as well as the standard faves like Blue Suede Shoes, Jailhouse Rock etc etc. My dad always had me singing along in his car and our favorite was Daddy Cool, especially the ...

something you're proud of in the last few days hmm... I cleaned the kitchen today and made the sink shiny... does that count? If you all knew who flylady was you would think the shiny sink thing was awesome... But seriously *serious face* I am proud that I have managed to blog everyday since starting the challenge. I am proud that I helped Alan erect a shed today and we didn't even have one fight. I am proud that I helped a friend when she needed it. I am proud that I learnt how to use the manual setting on my camera. Actually I am very proud about that! The aperture and shutter speed and light meter etc all makes sense to me now! I'm very excited! (thanks Kacy!)

short term goals for the month and why Well obviously my first goal for the month is blogging everyday and finishing the 30 Day Challenge. I am absolutely crap at maintaining a daily routine around anything, I can't even remember to take my medication everyday. I have countless notebooks that have the first 5 pages filled with good intentions and the rest of the pages blank. I have tried blogging before and I have been moderately consistent with my other blog over at its-me-tif.tumblr.com but I have also had many many blogs that have gone nowhere. When it comes to blogging I think I worry that no one is interested in what I have to say, or they will judge me on what I write, but since being on twitter I've realised that no-one on the internet really has anything to say! *wink* I was supposed to be working on my goal of losing some weight this month as well but I'm just not feeling it. Its also been on my short and long term goal lists for the last 18 years so I'm sure i...

a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you This is a picture of my beautiful mother, Valerie. When I was about 2, my mum and dad split up and my mum raised me as a single mother. It is hard to put into words just how big an influence my mum has been on me. Because there was only the two of us for most of my life we are best friends and worst enemies! She raised me to believe that happiness was more important that status, power or money, that everthing in this world happens for a reason, that I should trust in myself and the universe and that everyone is special in their own way. She taught me to be strong, resilient, brave and independant. She taught me that everyone should be treated the same, no one deserves special treatment because of their job, title, social status, wealth or ego and that everyone from the cleaner to the queen deserves to be treated with kindness and compassion. She taught me that race, sex, sexual preference or religion are not acceptable...

favourite super hero and why This is a really hard one for me as I don't really have a favourite super hero in particular. I really enjoy super hero comics, TV shows, movies etc but don't have one particular one that I identify with. I guess I prefer stories where ordinary people do extraordinary things. I did very much enjoy and identify with Kick Ass and cried in the bit where he is defending the one guy from the three other guys  (probably because I wish someone had stopped my husband from being attacked by two guys. See my other blog about a scary day over at its-me-tif.tumblr.com) Guy: The fuck is wrong with you, man? You'd rather die for some piece of shit that you don't even fucking know? Dave Lizewski: The three assholes, laying into one guy while everybody else watches? And you wanna know what's wrong with me? Yeah, I'd rather die... so bring it on! So like Dave Lizewski in Kick Ass I believe that everyone has the power to be a super hero in our e...

Last year for our Wedding Anniversary we went and stayed in Yallingup. I'd never really been to the Margaret River region before and I absolutely LOVED it. I could quite easily move to Yallingup! These are some of my favourite photos from the trip. I want to go back to Yallingup soon and am forever trying to convince people to come with us so we can share a holiday house!

a habit you wish you didn't have I bite my nails so short that I cause myself physical pain. I was able to stop for about 6 months. I just made the decision one day to stop and I did. Then for no apparent reason I started again and can't stop myself. Alan is forever telling me off but I like the way it feels when the bit of nail rips away from my finger! I'm a little bit wrong in case you hadn't figured that out yet. I know its true because the 8 ball on the crappy phone Erin shouldn't have bought told me so. I am also very forgetful (I put washing in the washing machine and then completely forget its there!), I am terrible at finishing things, I drink enough coca-cola to keep a small African village awake for 3 years, I shop when I am feeling blue and spend way too much money in general, despite hating bad spelling I always misspell definately (see! its an i not an a!), I use far too many exclamation marks when I write!, I use ... too much in much in written co...

a picture of you and your friends I have included pictures of me with 4 of my favourite people in the world but there are a couple of others I would like to make mention of that I don't have (appropriate) photos of me with. My mum - my best friend after my husband and a constant source of support, love and inspiration. She raised me as a single mum and we have always been very close. She gives Alan and I so much support and we appreciate and love her so much! Kacy (@iKacy) - we haven't know each other very long and we met under unusual circumstances but I am so pleased that the universe saw fit to bring her into my life. She is kind and lovely and wonderful and creative and amazing! Ally (@dryeyedcrab) - another new friend brought to me by the wonderful world of twitter. She makes me laugh and inspires me with her amazing parenting of her son. She is smart and sassy and funny and kind and wonderful! This is my best friend in the whole world, my husband Alan. He is there for me ...

the meaning behind your blog name There really isn't a very interesting story behind my blog name... its just my name with my two initials after it (I have a hyphenated surname). So I thought it would be more interesting to give a brief history of my screen and usernames since I began using the internet when I was 17. My first main user name was Heavenly18 or Heaven-Leigh - I had just finished reading the Virginia Andrews series of books about the Casteel Family, the main character of which was called Heaven-Leigh Casteel. I loved and adored those books so much that I took on the name of the main character and of course added the 18 to indicate my age (even though I was in fact only 17 at the time). I was at Uni and it was my first exposure to the internet. There was so much to explore and discover on this world wide web and my friends and I were still nervous about putting our real selves out there for the world. I remember these days of internet exploration with great fondness,...

A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself So thats a picture I took on Friday just before I headed off to a wedding Now for the "interesting" facts... 1. I have a birthmark in the colored part of my eye... my eyes are blue but the birthmark is a brown spot 2. My husband and I had a surprise wedding, it was a birthday party for my daughter's fourth birthday and we stood up half way through and announced we were getting married 3. I have known my husband since we were 10 years old and I have been in love with him since the first day I met him! 4. I prescribe to no religion in particular but believe in a higher power and the power of the universe as well as the concept of karma. I paradoxically believe in both fate and free will, I believe that we make our own decisions and guide our own path but that there are certain events and lessons in life that will happen regardless of our actions. 5. I suffer from chronic depression and have done since I was abo...

One of my favorite people in the world, Ally (dryeyedcrab) has decided to start the 30 Day Challenge (you can find her over here http://dryeyedcrab.blogspot.com/) so I thought I would do it too! I love writing and don't do enough of it so I thought this would encourage me to write more. If anyone knows of any other writing challenges please let me know as I really need to have a catalyst to push me to write! What is The 30 Day Challenge? Here's how it works  - post every day for 30 days : day 1 - a recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself day 2 - the meaning behind your blog name day 3 - a picture of you and your friends day 4 - a habit that you wish you didn’t have day 5 - a picture of somewhere you've been to day 6 - favorite super hero and why day 7 - a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you day 8 - short term goals for this month and why day 9 - something you're proud of in the past few days day 10 - songs you l...