a warped view

I was going through the ridiculous amount of drafts on my blog and found this one. I think I was probably going to write more but I decided to publish it anyway because I think it's an interesting idea... I was just reading some statistics about depression and I came across something I've seen so many times before but this time it made me stop and pause. This is what I saw Those with the following personality types are at risk of depression: Lifelong worrier Perfectionist Sensitive to personal criticism Unassertive Low self-esteem Self-critical and negative Shy and socially anxious And suddenly I wondered, are these personality types prone to depression, or are these personality types caused by depression? I'm sure I'm not the first person to wonder this, there are lots of much smarter brains than mine that spend a hell of a lot more time thinking about depression than I do.

Dear Broken Little Girl You've got the world fooled. With your masks and your costumes. With the illusion you have created. I'm not fooled anymore, I see who you truly are. I see the little girl terrified of revealing any weakness or cracks. The little girl who uses people for what they can do for her and then casts them aside until she needs them once more. I used to look at you and think you were so much more than me, that I was so much less. Now I realise that you will never be as much as me. Not until you are willing to be wrong, to be imperfect, to be fragile and vulnerable and human. Anybody can do what you do, yet you doubt my ability. You think you are so grown up and in control, but you're not. Everything you stand against, you have been. Everything you fight for, you've never endured. You are an empty shadow trying to fill yourself up at the expense of others. You once told me that I should learn to put myself first and say no. Well I've learnt. I...

Last night we went to an outing that required us to dress up 1950s style. As always I left everything to last minute but I managed to throw together a pretty decent ensemble. During the night I posted the following on social media  "dress up parties are much funner when you aren't as fat #justsaying #confessionsofaformerfatgirl" I posted this because I realised how much easier it had been for me now that I am a size 12/14 instead of a size 20 to find something to wear and how much more comfortable I felt being "in costume". Somebody took exception claiming that I should re-word my statement as some of our mutual friends may find it offensive and upsetting. Hogwash I say. Anyone who has been as big as I have, or bigger, knows exactly what I am talking about.  When you are any size bigger than a 16 wearing any clothes can be hard, let alone dress ups. While it is getting easier, with more plus size fashion labels available, being overweight and shopping for clothe...

I will never toe the line, fall in line or stay in line. I do not follow the crowd, the beaten path, go by the book, with the flow, roll over or play the game. I will make waves, rock the boat, misbehave, challenge, contradict, reject, act up, offend, transgress. I will be out of line, out of order, go astray, get into mischief, make trouble and do it with joy. I am passionate, intense and zealous, never apathetic or indifferent. I will get it wrong and I will make mistakes and I'll admit when I do (usually).This is who I am. I don't hide it. Don't expect me to change it. It's taken me a lifetime to become comfortable enough to be proud of who I am. So don't take advantage of my passion when it suits you and then try to change me when it doesn't. That's a good way to lose my respect. This is me. Deal with it.

Warning: this post is a post written for me. To get my feelings out of my head where they go around and around. There is no obligation to read it. The voice inside me has always told me that I have to be someone. I have to achieve something amazing. Change the world. Affect people's lives. Not just this. This living. I think it was created by my belief that I am no one. By being told when I was younger that I could "be someone". That I had so much potential. But never really believing it. I have a constant internal conflict between the two extremes. Seeing all my old school friends on facebook, seeing them graduate uni, travel, have awesome careers, makes it so much harder. It makes me feel like I'm a failure. None of them have jobs that create world peace or cure cancer (as far as I'm aware), but they are more somebody than me. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others. I know each life stands alone, with its own misery and happiness. It's own difficult...

I've noticed that when I stop trying to push my emotions away, when I am more conscious of feeling my feelings, I dream more. Not just more, almost constantly. Vivid, complicated, intense dreams. I can't help but feel that the two things are related.  By being more in tune with my feelings am I allowing my sub conscious more freedom? Am I allowing my inner voice to speak rather than forcing it to be silent? I'm not a huge one for dream interpretation, my dreams are usually inspired by conversations I've had or something I've been watching. I don't necessarily think there are hidden messages in my dreams, I'm more interested in the act of dreaming itself.  I've always had a lot of dreams. They are always very detailed and, as long as I think about them as soon as I wake up, I'm easily able to remember them. However for most of this year I've either not dreamt or been completely unable to recall any dreams at all. The human brain is a fascinating t...

Working with my psych has made me realise that one of the biggest mistakes I make is invalidating my own feelings by explaining away other people's bad behaviour. I've spent the majority of my life rationalising, its something that I think I learned from my mother. It's something that used to make me angry at my mother. She is a big believer in seeing both sides of the story, and consequently so am I. Seeing both sides of the story is not the issue though, I still think that's a great ability to have. The problem comes when you are so good at seeing the other persons side of the story that the feelings they caused with their actions become secondary, or get lost completely.  I realised today that I now do it to my daughter and I want to stop. When she comes to me to tell me about something that has happened with her friends she doesn't want me to be objective, she wants me to soothe her hurt feelings. She doesn't need help seeing why the other person did what th...

So I was a bit anxious about seeing a psychologist. I've done it before in the past and the experiences were mediocre at best. I didn't find them particularly helpful in the long term though they did probably provide some short term benefit. I am always worried that I won't like the psychologist. That I won't feel comfortable with them and I will spend the whole time wishing I could leave. I am, to my own detriment, sometimes too quick to judge people. Although I am most often proved right about my gut feelings I do occasionally get it wrong and then have to eat some humble pie while trying to apologise for getting it so wrong. When I first saw the woman who would be my psych my anxiety levels increased. She had a hard edged look about her, sharp and harsh. Not soft and caring and anything at all like the sort of person I wanted to spill my inner secrets to. Luckily, in this case, I was wrong. Once we got into the session I could see she was very good at her job and...

So a lot has been happening in my world. I've started taking my anti-depressants again and I've started seeing a psych. Things (like getting out if bed and forming coherent sentences) were getting hard and there was no chance of me accomplishing anything harder (like laundry, remembering to eat or what my name was). There is no shame in getting help, I'm just super stubborn and even avoid taking panadol or using band aids whenever possible.  I also decided that I needed to make a concerted effort to start reading again. So I started reading a book I received as a present from one of the loveliest people I know. It's called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and I love it. It's all about Gretchen's quest to become happier and what she did to achieve it. She wasn't particularly unhappy to start with, she just felt she could be happier, more engaged in her own life and kinder to herself and the people she loved. She didn't want her life to just whiz by...

"Now Muscle Shoals has got the Swampers  And they've been known to pick a song or two  Lord they get me off so much  They pick me up when I'm feeling blue  Now how about you?" - Lynyrd Skynyrd Chances are you've never heard of Muscle Shoals, Alabama. It is highly likely however, that you've heard  of Aretha Franklin, Wilson Pickett, Otis Redding, Bob Dylan, Paul Simon, and the Rolling Stones. All of these artists, and many, many others, recorded some of their most popular, successful and groundbreaking songs and albums at both Fame Studios and Muscle Shoals Sound Studios in Muscle Shoals. This beautifully shot documentary, named after the town, takes viewers on a journey through history, introducing us to the key players and a supporting cast of famous faces.  Utilising, interviews, archive footage, photos, sound clips and some of the greatest music ever recorded, Muscle Shoals introduces us to the men who made ...

It's always so hard to pick just a handful of films from the Revelation Perth International Film Festival (or Rev as it's affectionately known) lineup to recommend. When people ask me what they should see my answer is usually "ALL THE THINGS!". But I'm going to do my darnedest to pick out the best of the best. I'm going to split it into three different categories, my top 5 features, my top 5 documentaries and my overall top 5. Anything that makes it into the overall top 5 won't be included in the other two because that would be silly. Top 5 Features White Reindeer A Field in England Gimme the Loot Cheap Thrills A Monster in Paris (A kids movie and showing in 3D!) Check out the trailer for the not-your-average-Christmas-movie White Reindeer here Top 5 Documentaries Burn The Act of Killing  Fierce Green Fire Sunset Strip Hunter The trailer for The Act of Killing is here . It's chilling stuff. and now, DRUMROLL... Top 5...

Its nearly that time of the year again. Its Perth, its winter, its almost July and that can only mean one thing... Its nearly time for the Revelation Perth International Film Festival ! For those of you who don't know, this is one of my favourite things ever! As someone who adores film Rev gives me (and all of you Perthians) the chance to see amazing films we would most likely never get the opportunity to see anywhere else. Rev has moved to a new home this year, with the bulk of the action taking place at Luna in Leederville and additional screenings and events happening at Paradiso, Luna on SX and at other venues around Leederville and Fremantle. While it sad to leave the Astor, the new home base in Leederville opens the door for lots of new and exciting happenings (and a whole new collection of places to eat during the festival, YAY!) The last few years I have blogged about Rev and this year I will have heaps of reviews, recommendations, suggestions and maybe a few surpr...

<rant> you know what? no matter how much you think you're doing the right thing. regardless of the fact that i suffer from depression. regardless of how much of a "responsibility" you feel you have. when you tell me that you are going to call the police to do a welfare check on me because i tweeted that i was sad and you've never even met me in real life and we don't have a personal relationship other than superficial tweets on twitter then you're being a condescending arse. and quite frankly, how dare you?! and yes, you will probably get offended by this but i don't fucking care. you offended me first. </rant>

Last Friday I made someone cry. She is a friend of mine, I've known her for over half my life, my children call her Aunty, I love her dearly. I didn't set out to make her cry and I'm not proud of it. I'm sorry that I upset her. I'm not sorry about the reason I made her cry.  We nearly always have drinks and nibbles with my mum on Friday nights. We have a regular cast of friends that join us when they can and last Friday a group of about 8 of us were gathered. It was a normal  Friday night, drinking, laughing, eating, talking. One friend (not the one I made cry) has been having a terrible time of late with all sorts of unpleasantness in her life. She's been quite down and I would suspect is suffering from depression. She made a half hearted "joke" about walking to work the other day and getting caught waiting for the train to pass at the train crossing and declared that for a moment she'd thought to herself that if she threw herself under the train ...

When you look at me do you see a girl who is rude, unapproachable, snobbish? Who thinks she's too good for everyone else? Do you see a mum who just drops her kids at school and runs away because she doesn't want to be involved? Or do you see that I am afraid and anxious. That I try and avoid social interaction because I don't know what to say, because I'm convinced no one will like me. Do you see the scared little girl who was bullied so badly she didn't want to go to school, the scared little girl who was called names and teased and picked on, who had her things stolen and destroyed, who spent more time hiding in the nurses office than she did in class? Do you see the lonely girl who had no friends to call her own? Do you see the desperate girl who sat in her mother's car and begged not to be sent to school, with tears streaming down her face and sobs choking her words? Do you see the woman who still becomes that scared child when she enters a school. Do you ...

How much mental illness can people take? How many posts on a blog? How many text messages asking for help, for comfort, for reassurance? How many sob filled phone calls? How many times can you show up with a tear stained face with nothing to offer but melancholy and pain? How many times can you cancel at the last minute because you realise you can't bring yourself to leave the house before people stop asking you places? How much depression can you show people before they stop trying to be sympathetic and get fed up with the drama? Every time I want to tweet that I'm not doing ok, or post on Facebook that I'm not coping, or write a blog post about the darkness I worry about people's limits. I worry that I'm THAT whiner who just goes on and on about depression all the time. Who never has anything good to say. Who brings everyone down with her constant downers. I wonder how many eyes will roll. How many will want to unfollow or unfriend me. How many will try and offe...

Its been such a long time since I've blogged properly and I'm always reading articles by other bloggers about how to be better at blogging. The majority of them talk about knowing who you're writing for, being clear about your audience. That got me thinking, who do I write this blog for? And I realised something. Even though I love it when people comment on the blog or on twitter or Facebook, I enjoy knowing that people read what I write, I really write this blog for me. I had become hung up on who was reading what I wrote, what they thought about my posts, what they thought of me. I had lost myself to the idea of appearances and what others thought. That was never meant to be what this blog was. So here's the deal; if you are reading this I appreciate your time, that you care enough to read what I write. But I will no longer be worrying about what you think of my blog, whether you are sick of hearing about my depression, sick of my "whinging". This blog is ...

there's not much in this world that is more devastating than a dream that is killed just before it is about to be realised. this has just happened to me. it is something that i suppose most people would consider trivial in the general scheme of things. it was afterall, just a job. but to me it was more than that. it was a chance to finally be the me that i've always wanted to be, to prove that i am capable of things, that i can achieve something more than getting out of bed in the morning. it was a chance to make something of myself. to be more than mundane. i have spent the last couple of hours crying tears of mourning for the me that i will never be. none of this is helped by my depression of course. dreaming seems like a fool's game, something i'm not likely to want to partake in again for quite some time. it is no one's fault but it hurts like hell.

I am feeling down. Have been for a while. That's why I haven't been posting. It's not an all encompassing downness, I have moments and days where I feel fine, but the thought of blogging (along with numerous other to-dos) have left me feeling tight chested and anxious. I've also been avoiding people, avoiding social situations and I've been crap at communicating with the people I love. I've stopped tweeting, stopped texting, stopped calling. I'm hiding. It's impossible however, to hide from yourself. Today, right now, I am feeling particularly down. I was fine this morning, I had a lovely day with the HSP and saw a movie I've been desperate to see (Oz). Yet this afternoon the cloud descended around my shoulders and I suddenly felt the darkness wrap it's fingers around my heart and squeeze. I suddenly and instantly wanted to bury my face in my pillow and cry. Not just cry, sob, that physical crying that involves your shoulders, your chest, your ...

Since returning from my overseas jaunt I am finding it so hard to get back into my blogging. I think about it constantly, the knowledge that I have so much to catch up on never far from my thoughts. The more I think about it, the less I feel inspired. My motivation levels are at a low and things have to really inspire me to get me to be productive. I'm hoping that it will pass soon. But with every day it doesn't my catch up list gets longer. Come on motivation, come to mama.

I've spoken quite a bit about how much I love love. I like to say the word love, I like to tell people I love them, I'm a big fan of the whole concept. Yet I despise the day that purports to be the celebration of one of my favourite things. It's that v day thing today and I'm doing my very best to ignore it. Yes, I'm one of THOSE people. Of course there's a part of me that would love to have roses delivered to me but I would much prefer to receive them because my husband loves me and thought of it himself, not because a day (and a whole bunch of retailers) told him to. The way lovers are supposed to treat each other on v day is the way they should treat each other every day of every month of every year. Love your girlfriend? Give her flowers just because. Love your boyfriend? Cook him a romantic meal because you care. Love your wife? Give her jewellery just to let her know you love her. Love your husband? Give him a blow job because its Thursday and you love h...

Today the hsp and I fly out of the country with some of our favourite people! I'm hoping that a holiday will be just what the doctor ordered (except he didn't really because I've been avoiding him). I've been a bit flat the last week or so and so hopefully some tropical weather, massages, lounging and sight seeing will brighten my mood. This is the first time the hsp has ever left the country and the first time for me since I was 14. We're very excited and can't wait to explore. We will be travelling with the very lovely, very experienced (at travelling, no comment on anything else) and completely delightful Kacy & Grum (and the dinos). They have given us heaps of awesome travel tips so far and I'm sure they will be very useful in helping us to not die. The lovely Devar (Ben), will also be flying with us and he is an international travel virgin too. Excite! Our forward scouting party, Kat and Luke, arrived on Monday and have hopefully found all the b...

Things I am grateful for today 1. Tomorrow we fly to Bali 2. Erin 3. My mum for so many reasons but today in particular for looking after our kids while we're away 4. A fabulous group of friends who are helping out while we're in Bali 5. Music 6. That I can lay on my bed and look out the window at the trees and the sky 7. That I've been blessed by so many wonderful opportunities this year 8. Hugs from small people 9. Smiles 10. The words "I love you" What are you grateful for today?

Sometimes, when I'm feeling a bit blue, when the sads take hold and I can't shake them, when the darkness gets too dark, sometimes I just want to cry. Yet sometimes the tears won't come. That's when I turn to my sad songs. They're usually just enough to break the wall and let the salty tears run free.  Goodbye to You (Unplugged Version) - Michelle Branch This song features at the end of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Episode "Tabula Rasa" (S06E08). Michelle Branch perform it live at The Bronze and as it plays we watch Giles fly away to England leaving Buffy to deal with the harsh realities of life and see Tara packing her things and moving out after breaking up with Willow . The realtionship between Tara and Willow was always one of my very favourites and not only does this song remind me of their breakup but also of the things to come later at the end of the season. It reduces me to a blubbering mess.   The Special Two - Missy Higgins The Soun...

I'm not a huge fan of Guy Sebastian.He seems like an absolutely lovely guy, maybe a little too lovely, but his music has never done it for me. However I heard the song Battle Scars on the radio the other day and, before realising it was Guy, decided I quite liked it. I was surprised later to find out it was his song. It's not really anything about the music that I like, it's the lyrics. As discussed in my video earlier today, words are important to me. The right words can reduce me to tears (both happy and sad), make my day better, cheer me up, make me fall in love, make me your friend for life and so much more. (I also like that he's Australian, its the patriot in me). I wish I never looked, I wish I never touched I wish that I could stop loving you so much Cause I'm the only one that's trying to keep us together When all of the signs say that I should forget her I wish you weren't the best, the best I ever had I wish that the good outwei...

There's some pretty special things about me. I have depression, anxiety and ADHD. This gives me some pretty special super powers. It gives me the ability to speak without thinking, to over share when I shouldn't, to get carried away with things rather than staying level headed and in control. It makes me think things are a good idea when they aren't. It gives me an extra special ability to piss people off. It allows me to feel especially shit when I fuck up and leaves me feeling like I want to crawl into a dark hole and stay there. Can you tell I'm having a special kind of day?

I have trouble picking my favourite singers or bands, my all time favourite albums and songs, there is just too much I love. So I thought I'd share my favourite three songs by one of my favourite Australian singers. I think she's a pretty awesome person too and absolutely delightful to talk to if you're ever lucky enough to meet her. 1. Peccadilloes (2008, The Moon Looked On)   This song has always been one of my favourites, theres just something about it. Perhaps its been the little girl in me, who after being hurt and betrayed so many times in the past, is still looking for that someone to tell all my peccadilloes to. If you're outside looking in and you see me inside waving, could you place your fat lips on the window glass? And I will blow a short hot breath and draw my secrets into it. All my peccadilloes, only you will know. You're standing in the snow. You're laughing like you love me. You build your snow man dough and I pretend I can...

Last week I was lucky enough to see preview screenings of both Django Unchained and Lincoln. Both films deal with similar subject matters (slavery, racism, civil rights etc etc) and are set only 6ish years apart. Of course being that one is Tarantino and one is Spielberg they were always going to be vastly different films. I've always been a big Tarantino fan so I was excited for Django for months before seeing it. With Lincoln however I was definitely undecided and if I hadn't received free tickets I may not have paid to see it in the cinema. Surprisingly, while I very much enjoyed Django it was less than I'd hoped and despite my hesitation, Lincoln was more. I'm probably more of an old school Tarantino fan, the pre Kill Bill stuff is my favourite. I enjoyed Inglorious Basterds, it had some absolutely divine moments but it wasn't Reservoir Dogs and it wasn't Pulp Fiction and Django is very much the same. Maybe I'm just being too hipster about the whole th...

Today I am grateful for Lovely dreams Being woken up with kisses Homemade lemonade Good timing Patience ( a rareity for me) Gentlemen who still have manners Free time My kindle Dinner time inspiration even though it's not very inspiring All the amazing people I have in my life right now

Growing up in Darwin we always had very laid back routines. In my early years my mum, dad, nanna and grandad worked in a family business and so there were long days spent at work with dinner time often being after 7 or 8pm. This kind of laid back attitude to dinner time continued through my childhood and into my teenage years. This meant that I would regularly get to bed quite a lot later than other kids. It was a shock to us when we moved to Perth in my 16th year and discovered that the weirdo southerners would sometimes eat dinner at 5:30 or 6. Ridiculous! I don't know if it's because of this laid back start to life but I have never really had a time that was my bedtime, even as an adult. I have a time that I know should probably be my bedtime but it comes and goes with little notice most nights. I'm also what is generally classified as a night owl, the later at night, the more productive I feel. I can often be found on my computer until 2 or 3am. Sometimes this is b...

Today I am sharing my three favourite books from my childhood 1. Wilfrid Gordon McDonald Partridge   Written by Mem Fox, Illustrated by Julie Vivas This book is the heartwarming story of a little boy with four names who lives next door to an old people's home. His favourite person of all is Miss Nancy Alison Delacourt Cooper because she has four names just like him.  Wilfrid overhears his parents talking about Miss Nancy losing her memory and being the curious and caring child that he is, Wilfrid wants to understand what memory is so he can help Miss Nancy find her lost one. The rest of the book involves Wilfrid asking grown ups (mostly the residents of the old people's home) what memory is and then finding things of his own that match the descriptions. He then presents the "memories" to Miss Nancy and she shares with him the stories of her life. The final page of the book says She bounced the football to Wilfred Gordon and remembered the day she had me...

So I wasn't going to write a blog post today. I haven't really felt like writing about my mental health the last couple of weeks, the words just haven't flowed. I've been doing reasonably well and I never want to write about things when they are going well. I'm all about the doom and gloom. Then all of a sudden, BOOM! A series of small events and I'm on the edge of tears and feeling like shit. This week I got into a hated discussion with someone on twitter. This person has said a few things in recent weeks that have really gotten to me and I've been contemplating unfollowing them but was worried about hurting their feelings as I don't hate them or anything, I just don't see the world the same way as them. Or maybe they just purposely write things on twitter to cause shit and I always seem to be the one who bites. In any case I got into a disagreement with them this week which ended with them telling me they were blocking me. After weeks of worrying...

Things I'm grateful for today 1. Free movies tickets to Django Unchained last night 2. That I have a friend as wonderful as Ben who picks me up when I feel down and tells me I can when I think I can't 3. CT (as per the above) 4. The #hsp 5. That I have children who are intelligent and articulate enough to stand up for themselves 6. That I am fortunate enough to have Millicent, Sean, Jess, Caleb, Mia and Paige in my life 7. That I'm having dinner with three amazing women that I admire and adore tonight 8. That I'm meeting one of the above three women IRL for the first time tonight 9. That my 6 year old thinks I'm a great singer even though I'm really not 10. Music. It helps me feel happy, sad or angry, it helps me change my mood or indulge it, it makes life better. What are you grateful for today? Edit: I'm also grateful for the RAC man who came and changed our tire after we got a flat on the freeway of all places an...