a warped view

Things I am grateful for today 1. Tomorrow we fly to Bali 2. Erin 3. My mum for so many reasons but today in particular for looking after our kids while we're away 4. A fabulous group of friends who are helping out while we're in Bali 5. Music 6. That I can lay on my bed and look out the window at the trees and the sky 7. That I've been blessed by so many wonderful opportunities this year 8. Hugs from small people 9. Smiles 10. The words "I love you" What are you grateful for today?

Today I am grateful for Lovely dreams Being woken up with kisses Homemade lemonade Good timing Patience ( a rareity for me) Gentlemen who still have manners Free time My kindle Dinner time inspiration even though it's not very inspiring All the amazing people I have in my life right now

So I wasn't going to write a blog post today. I haven't really felt like writing about my mental health the last couple of weeks, the words just haven't flowed. I've been doing reasonably well and I never want to write about things when they are going well. I'm all about the doom and gloom. Then all of a sudden, BOOM! A series of small events and I'm on the edge of tears and feeling like shit. This week I got into a hated discussion with someone on twitter. This person has said a few things in recent weeks that have really gotten to me and I've been contemplating unfollowing them but was worried about hurting their feelings as I don't hate them or anything, I just don't see the world the same way as them. Or maybe they just purposely write things on twitter to cause shit and I always seem to be the one who bites. In any case I got into a disagreement with them this week which ended with them telling me they were blocking me. After weeks of worrying...

Things I'm grateful for today 1. Free movies tickets to Django Unchained last night 2. That I have a friend as wonderful as Ben who picks me up when I feel down and tells me I can when I think I can't 3. CT (as per the above) 4. The #hsp 5. That I have children who are intelligent and articulate enough to stand up for themselves 6. That I am fortunate enough to have Millicent, Sean, Jess, Caleb, Mia and Paige in my life 7. That I'm having dinner with three amazing women that I admire and adore tonight 8. That I'm meeting one of the above three women IRL for the first time tonight 9. That my 6 year old thinks I'm a great singer even though I'm really not 10. Music. It helps me feel happy, sad or angry, it helps me change my mood or indulge it, it makes life better. What are you grateful for today? Edit: I'm also grateful for the RAC man who came and changed our tire after we got a flat on the freeway of all places an...

Things I am grateful for Tomorrow we celebrate my mum's 60th birthday and I am so grateful that she is still alive, in my life, my best friend, a wonderful nanna to my kids, there for me when I need her and someone that I respect and enjoy spending time with. While our genetic family might sometimes let us down, we have an amazing group of chosen family that are amazing people and I love them more than anything. Even though I might not see some of them very often, my life is full of wonderful people that make me happy. I own many beautiful, awesome brooches Now that the HSP and I have passports, he has become very interested in cheap overseas airfares We have almost completely finished the back to school shopping and no one died Even though we have no airconditioner at the moment, when it is hot we have access to a car with aircon and can go to places that have aircon. Lots of families don't have this. Music. It fills me with bliss. Someone cared and was thoughtful e...

Quite often, when trying to explain my depression to people I use the phrase "my depression voice" or the "irrational voice" to describe the constant critic that lives in my head. Occasionally I wonder if people are going to take that to mean that I hear voices Beautiful Mind style or that I might start conducting a fight club with myself or talking to a giant rabbit. I can promise you that none of those thing are true, or are going to come true... well I might start talking to Frank but it's unlikely. However the truth is that I do deal with a constant voice in my head. The depression voice is always there, sometimes whispering quietly, sometimes screaming at me until I break. The depression voice is that arsehole that is constantly telling me that I'm not capable, that I'm worthless, that people don't like me. It's the voice that stops me from leaving my house, its the voice that looks in the mirror and tells me how ugly and unlovable I am...

Dear S I know that you don't know what to say to me right now, but I need you to know that you don't have to say anything. Well nothing about that anyway. I miss you a lot though, and I want to talk to you about silly things, unimportant things, our lives, our kids. I don't want you to think that because you haven't spoken to me that there is some sort of unbridgeable gap between us now, there's not, I completely understand. I know that my stuff might have brought up some painful things for you, and for that I am sorry, it was never my intention. I just want you to know that I love you and I miss you... And if you don't talk to me soon I'm going to start stalking you! Much love T xx

short term goals for this month and why the 2010 day eight can be found here I'm not particularly good at setting goals. I struggle with that whole SMART concept; Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Timely... sounds like hard work to me! I tend to be more of a dreamer and schemer than a goal setter (you're stunned I know). I suppose though that I do have a few short term goals, not that I would really call them that. So here is my list SHIT I NEED TO DO (aka Goals) Make sure I take my anti depressants and my dexamphetamines EVERY day Blog Attempt to read a book now that I have the new concentration drugs Try to get to bed at a reasonable time, at least most nights of the week See, talk to, and hug my friends more Tell (and show) my family every day that I love them I'm not sure about the Specific, Measurable and Timely parts, but I'm pretty sure I've got attainable and Relevant covered :)

a picture of you and your friends the 2010 day three blog post can be found here  however all the picture links from my old posts seem to be broken :( This is some pics of my most favourite people in the whole world These photos are from my birthday last month and sadly not all my favourite people could be there Me & Clint Justin & Me Karen & Me Me & Marie Me & Mill Sean & Me Me & Simon Me & Tina Tina F, Me, Jackie & my Mum Here's some pics of friends I either don't have pics of me with or don't have recent pics together Ben & Bec Erin & Me If I had a pic of Suzie I'd add that as well but sadly I don't! Must remedy that!

a recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself I'm revisting the 30 Day Challenge . My 2010 Day One post can be found here  (I haven't looked at what I wrote, so I wonder if any of my facts will be the same?!) Here's a pic of me with bluey purple hair and no makeup taken right now!  interesting facts: 1. I have always wanted to have brightly coloured far out hair but was too afraid to do it until this year  2. In high school I was so worried about being teased by my bullies that I was afraid to change my hair or get a haircut in case I got the "wrong" one and they teased me more 3. I spent years trying to convince my mum to let me have a fringe. I finally got one a few years ago and now hate my face without a fringe. 4. I am obsessed with bird, owl and tree motifs (not necessarily all three together) 5. I've just been diagnosed with ADHD and I couldn't be happier 6. my favourite TV show right now is The New Girl w...

one of my most favourite people in the world wrote a blog today about how she feels like she isn't doing anything significant with her life but more importantly, she feels like she doesn't have a best friend, a close friend. this made me so sad, and it made me stop and wonder about the subconscious messages that i am sending my friends. when i am feeling down or dark i hide myself away. i struggle to interact with the world, even with those closest to me. i refuse to talk on the phone and am struck down with anxiety every time it rings. my once safe haven, twitter, sometimes feels too big, too loud, too much so i even hide from that. this makes it hard for people to be friends with me i'm sure, its hard to be friends with someone who is absent a lot of the time. sometimes i feel that i must appear like a ghost in people's lives, they know i'm there but they can't see me. i don't mean to shut my friends out and a part of me thinks i am protecting them. ke...

I have always been fiercely protective of the people I love, sometimes to my own detriment, sometimes more than those people want me to be. I have never let my sex, my age, my role or my place in the world stop my for standing up for someone. This is particularly true of my mum. She is a strong, independent, smart, wonderful woman, my role model in most things. Growing up there was mostly just her and me. I say that but we had a very close relationship with my grandparents, my cousin lived with us for almost 10 years and my (half) sister from my dad's second marriage spent an inordinate amount of time with us, but in my mind and my heart, when I think of my childhood I think of the two of us together against the world. She raised me to be strong, to stand up for what is right and just, to treat all people equally, to be kind, compassionate and giving and that above all else, family comes first. She also taught me that friends can be our family as much as those we are bound to by ...

Twice in the last couple of weeks I've had well meaning people tell me that I shouldn't be taking anti depressants as there is nothing wrong with me. I mean everyone feels a bit sad sometimes right? That doesn't mean they have one of those mental illness things. Neither of these people meant to be offensive, I'm pretty sure that they both quite like me, they just don't understand and belong to a way of thinking that is full of stereotypes and misinformation. Neither of them has any experience dealing with mental illness, neither of them know what it's like to have a constant black cloud hanging over you. Sadly, they are not the only two people who think like this. Despite the struggles for greater awareness, understanding and acceptance, mental illness still has a very special stigma all of it's own. "Normal" people seem to believe that only specific personality types suffer from depression, that depressed people are lazy, that they want to b...

So I'm adding something else new to my blog. It will be called 'In Conversation' and will be my collection, recollection and interpretation of conversations I have or overhear. I love people watching and am fascinated by the overly loud public conversations that strangers often have. I find myself tuning out of my own conversations desperate to hear every scrap of shared personal lives, opinions and thoughts from people I've never met, and will most likely never see again. I love nothing better than a public, loud and overly emotional disagreement between lovers. I also love the nonsensical conversations I occasionally have with one of my most favourite people in the world when one of us is feeling down. We are both owners of depression and each knows, with unspoken recognition, the darkness that haunts the other. So when we have those moments of blue and black we talk about everything but the darkness and both come away feeling the light shining a little brighter than ...

Sometimes I meet people and I know instantly that they are awesome! They laugh at the same things I laugh at, they share similar views to me on things, they are clever, sassy and generally pretty neato (I'm mostly talking about other ladies here), and I think to myself, you're pretty fantastic and I would love to have you as my friend and do stuff with you and hang out and talk about life and love and stupid things we've done. Then comes the kicker. How, as a thirty something grown woman, do you ask another grown woman over for a play date or out for dinner, without seeming like a weirdo / lesbian / desperate / friendless / loser? It's much easier for kids to make new friends, they just say stuff like "I like He-Man and you like He-Man and I think that makes you totally the best and we should be best friends forever until we're like, old and wrinkly and  our butts sag" then they piss themselves laughing and the friendship is cemented. But that just doesn...

Dear ALL the Boys of my Youth, Let me start by saying I'm sorry. Each of you has a particular thing that I am sorry for but let's just assume that I am sorry for everything. In case you were unaware, when I was 16 an event happened that would shape who I would become in the months and years that came after it. I was terribly hard on myself growing up, I believed I was an ugly hideous beast that would be alone forever because no boys would ever want to be with me. I didn't even have my first kiss until I was 16 (with you Luke, where are you now?). I had no self confidence whatsoever. Then on a night out with a friends, one of my friends older brother and some of his friends a thing happened that changed who I was. One of the older brothers friends got me alone (everyone else was busy breaking into the Local Outdoor Pool) and started  to tell me lovely things. It rapidly became something more than talking and before I knew it, this boy I hardly knew was having sex with ...

I have been having "one of those days" since Saturday. I have been taking my tablets so it's not that causing a low. We had a birthday party on Saturday for one of my favourite little girls in the whole world, the daughter of friends that I love like she was my niece. I almost didn't go to the party. I was sad, I felt like crying, I felt like getting into bed and pulling the covers over my head until the sad went away. Luckily the HSP was wonderful and convinced me to go, because I would have been disappointed in myself if I had missed it. I made it through the party, I know that sounds terrible, like it was some huge chore (which it wasn't). Well it wouldn't have been for a "normal" person. It wasn't anything about the party that required a huge effort, it was me, my state of mind. The effort needed to put on the happy mask, the mask that hides the darkness inside. I don't hide my depression but I don't want it to be in every one's...