a warped view

Dear Captain Picard, This is another one of those unsent letters that isn't really an unsent letter because I know that you're going to read it. I'm hoping that you won't be too annoyed at me for writing this but I felt like I needed to. You've been the most amazing friend to me. You've allowed me to feel safe enough to be myself, you've given me a shoulder to cry on and you've listened to me when I've needed to talk. You've made me open up, made me trust, made me remember what it's like to not have to keep myself shielded all the time. In the past, life has taught me (and my depression has told me) that people can't be trusted, that eventually everyone will let me down, that eventually the real me will drive everyone away. It has left me with an almost impenetrable wall to keep me safe, it's left me afraid to let people in. You've seen beyond that and you've had the patience to find your way inside. You've been brav...

I'm having one of those nights that I sometimes have, where the sleep just won't come. They don't happen to often thankfully, and usually only when I've forgotten to take my tablets until late in the day. So I'm lying here staring at the darkness, thinking thoughts And remembering memories so I thought I'd blog. Dear AASP, I suppose this isn't really an unsent letter because I know you're going to read it, you asked for it in fact. I wasn't going to write it, because I like to be contrary and not do the things I've been asked to do. But as I lay here waiting for the sleep that is evading me I thought of all the things I wanted to say to you. There are so many things, especially for a mind that often dwells on the past, mulling over past mistakes, past indiscretions, the moments of my life I'm not proudest of. The dark voice never lets me forget those I've hurt. I'm sure I hurt you, how could it not have hurt? Yet in the last few days ...

So this morning I got a completely random email from someone I used to consider a good friend (we had a thing, I was a bitch, it was a little bit awkward but he's pretty awesome). Apparently he is a reader of my blog and I didn't even know it! He wanted to know why I hadn't blogged in two months. A valid question, one I ask myself every day. My answer was a very pragmatic one, I currently have two jobs, do the admin for our business, study at uni and have to manage a house full of two and four legged mess makers! But I know there's more to it than that. I had started to feel a bit like I was always complaining on my blog, that I made it seem like my life was terrible because I tend to write more freely when I'm in a bad mental place. That couldn't be further from the truth. I have a wonderful life full of amazing people. I am very lucky to live in a country that allows me freedom of speech, access to health care and education for little to no cost (but let...