a warped view

Things I am grateful for Tomorrow we celebrate my mum's 60th birthday and I am so grateful that she is still alive, in my life, my best friend, a wonderful nanna to my kids, there for me when I need her and someone that I respect and enjoy spending time with. While our genetic family might sometimes let us down, we have an amazing group of chosen family that are amazing people and I love them more than anything. Even though I might not see some of them very often, my life is full of wonderful people that make me happy. I own many beautiful, awesome brooches Now that the HSP and I have passports, he has become very interested in cheap overseas airfares We have almost completely finished the back to school shopping and no one died Even though we have no airconditioner at the moment, when it is hot we have access to a car with aircon and can go to places that have aircon. Lots of families don't have this. Music. It fills me with bliss. Someone cared and was thoughtful e...

Quite often, when trying to explain my depression to people I use the phrase "my depression voice" or the "irrational voice" to describe the constant critic that lives in my head. Occasionally I wonder if people are going to take that to mean that I hear voices Beautiful Mind style or that I might start conducting a fight club with myself or talking to a giant rabbit. I can promise you that none of those thing are true, or are going to come true... well I might start talking to Frank but it's unlikely. However the truth is that I do deal with a constant voice in my head. The depression voice is always there, sometimes whispering quietly, sometimes screaming at me until I break. The depression voice is that arsehole that is constantly telling me that I'm not capable, that I'm worthless, that people don't like me. It's the voice that stops me from leaving my house, its the voice that looks in the mirror and tells me how ugly and unlovable I am...

Our first Threesome Thursday is inspired by the fact that earlier this week I watched Finding Nemo with the gorgeous @shellzii to help cheer her up. When I say I watched it with her, she was at her house and I was at my house and we tweeted our favourite lines and moments to each other. I'm sure everyone else found it very annoying ;) So here are my top 3 Pixar Partnerships 1. Dory & Marlin (Finding Nemo) The relationship that builds between these two is so incredibly beautiful. Its a platonic friendship that is so innocent and pure and brings out the absolute best in both of them. I am slightly biased towards this pair up because Dory is my spirit animal! Here are some of the top moments of the film followed by one of the saddest moments of any film ever, it breaks my heart every time. "No. No, you can't... STOP. Please don't go away. Please? No one's ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave... if you leave... I just, I rememb...

Sometime ago there was a regular thing on Tuesdays where we all posted ten things we were grateful for that day. I haven't done it for a while and thought it was probably time for more gratitude so Tuesdays will now be known as Ten Tuesday and will be full of thanks. Feel free to join in in the comments section, on your own blog (put the link in the comments so we can all read), share on twitter with the hash tag #10tuesday or jot them down in a notebook (so bespoke!) I am grateful that... 1. I am surrounded by people I love and that love me 2. this year I might finally figure out what I want to be when I grow up 3. I have been given the opportunity to go on an amazing adventure 4. people believe in me 5. big splashes of rain just fell on my head 6. I have an overseas holiday to count down to 7. I had a lovely dinner with my family tonight 8. I have both Bahen & Co. and Gabriel chocolates hidden away in my house for when I need them 9. I have people that I can talk ...

Dear Captain Picard, This is another one of those unsent letters that isn't really an unsent letter because I know that you're going to read it. I'm hoping that you won't be too annoyed at me for writing this but I felt like I needed to. You've been the most amazing friend to me. You've allowed me to feel safe enough to be myself, you've given me a shoulder to cry on and you've listened to me when I've needed to talk. You've made me open up, made me trust, made me remember what it's like to not have to keep myself shielded all the time. In the past, life has taught me (and my depression has told me) that people can't be trusted, that eventually everyone will let me down, that eventually the real me will drive everyone away. It has left me with an almost impenetrable wall to keep me safe, it's left me afraid to let people in. You've seen beyond that and you've had the patience to find your way inside. You've been brav...

a picture of you and your friends the 2010 day three blog post can be found here  however all the picture links from my old posts seem to be broken :( This is some pics of my most favourite people in the whole world These photos are from my birthday last month and sadly not all my favourite people could be there Me & Clint Justin & Me Karen & Me Me & Marie Me & Mill Sean & Me Me & Simon Me & Tina Tina F, Me, Jackie & my Mum Here's some pics of friends I either don't have pics of me with or don't have recent pics together Ben & Bec Erin & Me If I had a pic of Suzie I'd add that as well but sadly I don't! Must remedy that!

one of my most favourite people in the world wrote a blog today about how she feels like she isn't doing anything significant with her life but more importantly, she feels like she doesn't have a best friend, a close friend. this made me so sad, and it made me stop and wonder about the subconscious messages that i am sending my friends. when i am feeling down or dark i hide myself away. i struggle to interact with the world, even with those closest to me. i refuse to talk on the phone and am struck down with anxiety every time it rings. my once safe haven, twitter, sometimes feels too big, too loud, too much so i even hide from that. this makes it hard for people to be friends with me i'm sure, its hard to be friends with someone who is absent a lot of the time. sometimes i feel that i must appear like a ghost in people's lives, they know i'm there but they can't see me. i don't mean to shut my friends out and a part of me thinks i am protecting them. ke...

I'm having one of those nights that I sometimes have, where the sleep just won't come. They don't happen to often thankfully, and usually only when I've forgotten to take my tablets until late in the day. So I'm lying here staring at the darkness, thinking thoughts And remembering memories so I thought I'd blog. Dear AASP, I suppose this isn't really an unsent letter because I know you're going to read it, you asked for it in fact. I wasn't going to write it, because I like to be contrary and not do the things I've been asked to do. But as I lay here waiting for the sleep that is evading me I thought of all the things I wanted to say to you. There are so many things, especially for a mind that often dwells on the past, mulling over past mistakes, past indiscretions, the moments of my life I'm not proudest of. The dark voice never lets me forget those I've hurt. I'm sure I hurt you, how could it not have hurt? Yet in the last few days ...