a warped view

Dear Broken Little Girl You've got the world fooled. With your masks and your costumes. With the illusion you have created. I'm not fooled anymore, I see who you truly are. I see the little girl terrified of revealing any weakness or cracks. The little girl who uses people for what they can do for her and then casts them aside until she needs them once more. I used to look at you and think you were so much more than me, that I was so much less. Now I realise that you will never be as much as me. Not until you are willing to be wrong, to be imperfect, to be fragile and vulnerable and human. Anybody can do what you do, yet you doubt my ability. You think you are so grown up and in control, but you're not. Everything you stand against, you have been. Everything you fight for, you've never endured. You are an empty shadow trying to fill yourself up at the expense of others. You once told me that I should learn to put myself first and say no. Well I've learnt. I...

Dear S I know that you don't know what to say to me right now, but I need you to know that you don't have to say anything. Well nothing about that anyway. I miss you a lot though, and I want to talk to you about silly things, unimportant things, our lives, our kids. I don't want you to think that because you haven't spoken to me that there is some sort of unbridgeable gap between us now, there's not, I completely understand. I know that my stuff might have brought up some painful things for you, and for that I am sorry, it was never my intention. I just want you to know that I love you and I miss you... And if you don't talk to me soon I'm going to start stalking you! Much love T xx

Dear Universe We've got a pretty sweet deal going on you and I. I place my faith in you and you generally have faith in me. Sometimes it feels like maybe your faith in me has wavered but its usually just that I don't get what you're trying to show or tell me. All in all we're pretty tight. Now you know I've struggled with this whole direction, purpose, place in life thing. We've been through a whole lot of shit together, and you've seen me grow stronger from it. So now I'm asking you, please, please, please can I have this? Can this be my path? Can this be my place in the world? This or the other thing, or maybe both. You know I've been in love with this my whole life, I'm pretty sure I'd be good at it, I just need that foot in the door and I'm pretty sure I can take it from there. I also know that some people would think I was stretching the friendship a bit at the moment but, if you think I am, can I have a small warning before yo...

Dear Captain Picard, This is another one of those unsent letters that isn't really an unsent letter because I know that you're going to read it. I'm hoping that you won't be too annoyed at me for writing this but I felt like I needed to. You've been the most amazing friend to me. You've allowed me to feel safe enough to be myself, you've given me a shoulder to cry on and you've listened to me when I've needed to talk. You've made me open up, made me trust, made me remember what it's like to not have to keep myself shielded all the time. In the past, life has taught me (and my depression has told me) that people can't be trusted, that eventually everyone will let me down, that eventually the real me will drive everyone away. It has left me with an almost impenetrable wall to keep me safe, it's left me afraid to let people in. You've seen beyond that and you've had the patience to find your way inside. You've been brav...

I'm having one of those nights that I sometimes have, where the sleep just won't come. They don't happen to often thankfully, and usually only when I've forgotten to take my tablets until late in the day. So I'm lying here staring at the darkness, thinking thoughts And remembering memories so I thought I'd blog. Dear AASP, I suppose this isn't really an unsent letter because I know you're going to read it, you asked for it in fact. I wasn't going to write it, because I like to be contrary and not do the things I've been asked to do. But as I lay here waiting for the sleep that is evading me I thought of all the things I wanted to say to you. There are so many things, especially for a mind that often dwells on the past, mulling over past mistakes, past indiscretions, the moments of my life I'm not proudest of. The dark voice never lets me forget those I've hurt. I'm sure I hurt you, how could it not have hurt? Yet in the last few days ...

Here are the lyrics from the song that inspired my Unsent Letters, seemed appropriate to share after today's post Unsent - Alanis Morissette Dear Matthew I like you a lot I realize you're in a relationship With someone right now and I respect That I would like you to know that if you're ever single In the future and you want to come visit me in California I would be open to spending time with you and finding Out how old you were when you wrote your first song Dear Jonathan I liked you too much I used to be attracted to boys Who would lie to me and think solely about themselves and you Were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time I used to say The more tragic the better the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's Your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday Dear Terrance I love you muchly you've been nothing But open hearted and emotionally available and supportive And nurturing and consummately there for me I kept drawing you in And ...

Dear ALL the Boys of my Youth, Let me start by saying I'm sorry. Each of you has a particular thing that I am sorry for but let's just assume that I am sorry for everything. In case you were unaware, when I was 16 an event happened that would shape who I would become in the months and years that came after it. I was terribly hard on myself growing up, I believed I was an ugly hideous beast that would be alone forever because no boys would ever want to be with me. I didn't even have my first kiss until I was 16 (with you Luke, where are you now?). I had no self confidence whatsoever. Then on a night out with a friends, one of my friends older brother and some of his friends a thing happened that changed who I was. One of the older brothers friends got me alone (everyone else was busy breaking into the Local Outdoor Pool) and started  to tell me lovely things. It rapidly became something more than talking and before I knew it, this boy I hardly knew was having sex with ...

Dear Little, There are so many things I want to say to you but it never feels quite right. There is still an awkwardness about our relationship, it shouldn't be there but it is. It stops me from telling you that I wish we were closer. I wish we had the closeness of two who had grown up together in a "normal" house. I wish we talked everyday on the phone, desperate to share the details of every day life. I wish we were closer geographically too. I wish I could drive to you and throw my arms around you and hug you just because, but you are too far away for that. I try not to let the resentment I feel towards him effect how I feel about you. I know it's not your fault, it's not really even his fault, it's just life. Sometimes though it still makes my heart ache to see how different it is for you. Sometimes I feel angry at you, and then I feel angry at myself. Sometimes, well a lot of the time, I am so envious. You have something I feel I will never have, yo...

Dear Arsehole, I want you to know that you forcing me out was the best thing that ever happened to me. I loved the people I worked with and I loved my job but it was consuming me. It wasn't ok that I was working 14 hour days, coming in on my day off, thinking about my job every second of every day. I am happy that I now get to pick my kids up from school, that I'm not a stranger to them. I am happy I don't have to deal with your hypocrisy and politics. That doesn't make what you did ok. It's not ok that you told me that if you wanted someone to quit that you could make them, what a thinly veiled threat that was. It wasn't ok that you manipulated people I thought were my friends against me. It isn't ok that you treat people like pieces in a game, a game where the sole purpose is to get what you want. It wasn't ok that you took advantage of the fact that I was going through a hard time in my personal life and used it to make my working life hell too. ...

I've decided to do some blog posts entitled unsent letters. There is often so much that goes unsaid and it rattles around inside my brain bumping at the dark corners of the other me, the me that can't let things go, the me that believes I'm worthless, the me that trusts no one, the me that is angry, sad and trapped inside the darkness. I won't be using names but sometimes it will be obvious who my letter is to, and sometimes, just sometimes, the person the unsent letter is to may read my blog and then I guess it becomes a sent letter instead.