a warped view

We all fear death and question our place in the universe. The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence. You have a clear and lively voice don't be such a defeatist. - written by Woody Allen for Gertrude Stein (Kathy Bates) in Midnight in Paris

find the place inside where there's joy and the joy will burn out the pain - Joseph Campbell

You wanted a letter so here you go. While I appreciate the effort you have made to reply to my blog I don't appreciate the tone behind your comments. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop commenting on every post with sarcastic and frankly mean spirited comments. Perhaps you should channel your creativity into writing your own blog. Kind regards (and a desire to say fuck off), Tif

Dear Little, There are so many things I want to say to you but it never feels quite right. There is still an awkwardness about our relationship, it shouldn't be there but it is. It stops me from telling you that I wish we were closer. I wish we had the closeness of two who had grown up together in a "normal" house. I wish we talked everyday on the phone, desperate to share the details of every day life. I wish we were closer geographically too. I wish I could drive to you and throw my arms around you and hug you just because, but you are too far away for that. I try not to let the resentment I feel towards him effect how I feel about you. I know it's not your fault, it's not really even his fault, it's just life. Sometimes though it still makes my heart ache to see how different it is for you. Sometimes I feel angry at you, and then I feel angry at myself. Sometimes, well a lot of the time, I am so envious. You have something I feel I will never have, yo...

Dear Arsehole, I want you to know that you forcing me out was the best thing that ever happened to me. I loved the people I worked with and I loved my job but it was consuming me. It wasn't ok that I was working 14 hour days, coming in on my day off, thinking about my job every second of every day. I am happy that I now get to pick my kids up from school, that I'm not a stranger to them. I am happy I don't have to deal with your hypocrisy and politics. That doesn't make what you did ok. It's not ok that you told me that if you wanted someone to quit that you could make them, what a thinly veiled threat that was. It wasn't ok that you manipulated people I thought were my friends against me. It isn't ok that you treat people like pieces in a game, a game where the sole purpose is to get what you want. It wasn't ok that you took advantage of the fact that I was going through a hard time in my personal life and used it to make my working life hell too. ...

I've decided to do some blog posts entitled unsent letters. There is often so much that goes unsaid and it rattles around inside my brain bumping at the dark corners of the other me, the me that can't let things go, the me that believes I'm worthless, the me that trusts no one, the me that is angry, sad and trapped inside the darkness. I won't be using names but sometimes it will be obvious who my letter is to, and sometimes, just sometimes, the person the unsent letter is to may read my blog and then I guess it becomes a sent letter instead.

As part of my desire to be a better (or just more consistent) blogger I have been reading other people's blog posts about how to be just that. One article I read said that in order to make readers feel more engaged with your blog you should refer to your children by cute pseudonyms rather than as master 5, master 10 and miss 13. I don't know if that's true or not but I thought maybe I should start using code names for my tribe. The husband already has his codename (HSP or Husband Shaped Person) so I'm going to start using the following - Princess Bob (miss 13), Stinky Pete (master 10) and Base Jumping Burley (master 5). I would love to be able to explain to you where these nicknames originated but then that would negate the use of code names as I'd have to tell you their actual names. Well, except for Stinky Pete, which came about for a fairly obvious (and embarrassing on his 21st birthday) reason. Also the base jumping part is because Burley has been to the eme...