One in a million...

So apparently I am one of a very small percentage of ADHD adults who experiences a worsening of depression symptoms when taking Dexamphetamines. 

To start with I didn't notice, but as I continued to take my daily doses my depression symptoms have gotten worse and worse. The situation reached critical mass on Sunday night. My thoughts and behaviour got beyond my control and I had a complete meltdown.

The rest of the week has been nothing short of difficult. There has been tears at the drop of the hat, an inability to regulate my emotions (more than usual), and a highly emotional state in general. The smallest things have sent me spiralling out of control. The hsp says its the worst he has ever seen me. It has left me feeling afraid and ashamed. My logical brain knows that there is no reason to feel this way but my logical brain is not exactly the loudest at the moment. 

Luckily I had an appointment with my ADHD doctor today and I informed him what was going on. He was very shocked. He's never had another adult patient experience worsening depression from taking dexies. I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones.

We discussed the possibility that my depression may have been made worse by the simple fact of receiving the diagnosis. That there are a lot of unresolved issues after having spent a lifetime not knowing that there was an explanation for my behaviour. We also discussed changing my antidepressant medication, that maybe my current one isn't effective. I've made a GP appointment to look at switching over and to get a Mental Health Plan in place.

The hsp has been absolutely amazing. Supportive, kind, caring. I don't know how he puts up with me to be honest. I'm a lot of hard work.  

Now that I've reached my low point I can see that this has been building up since I started taking the dexies. My emotions have been getting more and more irrational, my tolerance for even small issues has been at an all time low. I've felt ridiculous and petty and impatient and overwhelmed. I'm just so used to being broken that I hadn't realised the cracks had spread.

I'm feeling slightly better today but I'm a long way from being back on track. Last night I decided to take a break from my social media. I'm not sure why. It just felt like the thing to do. I know this post will show up on my twitter and my facebook, and to those who've taken the time to send support I thank you. No, I don't want to take my own life. 

I'm not ok, but I will be.

The below information is from a study published in August this year. This is what I will be dealing with for the rest of my life

Young women diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder as girls, particularly the type with early signs of impulsivity, were three to four times more likely to attempt suicide and two to three times more likely to report injuring themselves than comparable young women in a control group, according to the findings, published online in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.

"ADHD can signal future psychological problems for girls as they are entering adulthood," said the study's lead author, Stephen Hinshaw, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of California, Berkeley. "Our findings reinforce the idea that ADHD in girls is particularly severe and can have serious public health implications."